Drinking and driving is stupid, children. However, there’s no floor on how stupid it, or the excuses for doing it, can get, and that’s great news for us this Friday as we usher in the weekend. Think of these stories while you’re taking a cab, or streaking home if you’re not a total wuss.
First up, we’ve got Duane Bush, who hasn’t had a driver’s license for 33 years. Yes, this sexy, sexy man:
Somehow couldn’t charm the DMV of New York State into letting him keep his license. Well, OK, actually it just expired three decades ago and he’s too much of a drunk to have ever renewed it, but we like our theory better. Anyway, Duane was busting for drunken driving as he was reported for weaving down the road. On his rims.
Yep, turns out he’d had a bit too much of the fine white wine provided by Mogdan David and drove on the road for eleven miles without realizing he’d lost a tire, probably because his BAC was .24. For those bad at math, his blood was a quarter alcohol. Even better, he was driving a van. Sadly, we can find no information on whether or not it had “Free Candy” on the side and a total lack of windows, but we bet it did.
In our second intoxicated driving story, cricket “star” Graeme Swann, who could not be more of an upper-class twit if he tried, because that name combined with that career, just…wow. Wow, dude. Anyway, after going out with friends and getting crocked, he came home to realize that, somehow, his cat was trapped under the floorboards.
And, despite being a grown adult who lives on his own, he didn’t have any screwdrivers in the house to get up the floorboards. Yes, seriously, that was his excuse. He didn’t even have the decency to describe it as “I need some screwdrivers to free some p****, if you know what I mean”. Yeah, the cops wouldn’t have believed him, because he plays cricket, which is like vagina kryptonite, but maybe he would have gotten the cops to laugh and managed to salvage one scrap of manliness.
Just to add the complete wussitude of all this, Graeme was pulled over not because he was driving erratically, but because he had a nice car in an area noted for stealing nice cars. And to strip away any sense of being badass, he was exactly three milligrams of alcohol over the legal limit. Three…milligrams.
Dude, if you’re going to drive drunk, take a cue from Duane Bush and drive it Upstate New York style.
- Duane Bush rides it tire-free, because he’s just a badass that way (MSNBC)
- Graeme Swann has the lamest excuse ever for driving mildly intoxicated. (Guardian)
- In other “Sports figures that get no respect” driving news, Ray Maualuga of the Cincinnati Bengals was fined two game checks and a chunk of his bonus for driving drunk. Which really seems unfair; isn’t being on the Bengals punishment enough? (ESPN)
- Meanwhile, Michigan police have put together a new tool to stop drunk driving: an iPhone app. Somehow we think Apple’s hype machine has worked a little too well (NBC25 Michigan)
- Texas leads the nation in drunk driving fatalities. Which is kind of surprising because in a state with that many guns, you’d think it’d be Russian roulette (Alcohol Alert)
- Drunk driving makes up 31.6% of driving-related fatalities. But, hey, the percentage is down, mostly because we’re driving more stupidly than ever thanks to cell phones. (MADD)