Why Can’t Celebrities Use Twitter This Week?

Senior Contributor

There are many things celebrities, no matter who they are, just can’t do.  They can’t hit the grocery store.  They can’t grab some McDonald’s.  They can’t gain weight unless they have an Oscar-bait role coming up.  And, now, apparently, they can’t be seen in public by anybody using Twitter, on top of it being a bad idea to use Twitter themselves.  Yep, Twitter’s helping to destroy our culture again, much like celebrity gossip!  Hey, speaking of which!

The big story this morning is Twitter working, and then not working, with a website called JustSpotted.com.  The basic idea behind JustSpotted.com is that you tweet about maybe possibly seeing some clod, let’s call him Blast Hardcheese, who was on a reality show at the local Starbucks.  And you’re not the only one!  JustSpotted.com would have used the incredible Web 2.0 power of crowdsourcing (we’re just guessing at how they phrased it in the prospectus) to harness the power of the Internet and give creepy stalkers, famewhores, and other weirdos and pathetic losers what would be likely absolutely highly inaccurate information about the location of celebrities at any given time, thus making a fortune while making it impossible for Blast to so much as take a dump at a gas station without somebody showing up to get his autograph.  What’s a little scary is they wrote out this idea, looked at it, and decided it was worth a million dollars instead of thinking that they needed therapy, or that our culture’s obsession with celebrity had officially gone too far.

Amazingly, Twitter, at first, looked at this and decided they were OK with it, giving JustSpotted.com access to their twits, and letting them rub their sweaty proprietary technology over them to determine which were sightings and which were just links to RP fanfic of Blast Hardcheese and Kim Kardashian.  Then they realized that this was a PR disaster in the making, claimed that they’d been lied to, and yanked the access.  So we guess the last round of funding is running a little low, huh, guys?

Meanwhile, celebrities, who have a terrible track record on Twitter as a general rule, continue to have lots of bad ideas on how to use it.  We thought nothing could top Kim Kardashian (Shame of a Nation) being so incredibly stupid that she actually outed her air marshall in 140 characters, but Drew Bees (Pride of New Orleans) has managed to top it.  How?

He’s asking the Twitterverse for baby names that start with “b”.  If we were bad comedians, we’d resort to the “athletes are all meatheads” jokes or “one too many shots to the head” jokes, but Brees has actually struck us as a fairly intelligent guy and also extremely nice.  But he must be either really hard up for baby names or painfully, painfully naive.  You don’t ask the Internet for anything, Drew!  The Internet is a seething anonymous mass of stupidity and bile!  It will lead you astray and laugh!

Brees apparently got some good suggestions, but we’ll see what happens; this kid might well be B-tard Lemon Party Brees if Brees isn’t up on his memes.


  • Twitter enables stalkers like Facebook never, ever could (CNET)
  • Drew Brees has asked the 275,000 people who follow him to name his baby. This will just not end well. (ESPN)



  • In other social networking news, apparently nobody in Connecticut has really gotten the memo that other people can read your Facebook, and a town is considering actually passing a rule about not posting stupid crap on your Wall that anybody can read if you’re a public official. Which means it’ll become that much more entertaining when people inevitably ignore this policy, and post pictures of Diora Baird, like at left. (Hartford Courant)
  • In equally unsurprising news, if you post death threats against the President, the FBI will be your new Facebook friend. Apparently some people find this outrageous; we’re guessing they’ve never been to Free Republic. (TG Daily)



  • Twitter users post 65 million times a day. And about twenty of those are actually worth reading. (TechCrunch)
  • Meanwhile, 700 billion minutes are spent goofing off on Facebook. Well, it beats watching anything Kim Kardashian is involved in. Especially when you can pull pictures of much more attractive women off of it. (Facebook)


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