Meet Me in the Hammock Tub! The KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag

06.20.13 4 years ago 69 Comments



Vessel is made from carbon fibre which is utilised for its inherent strength and ability to be formed into complex curves, furthermore the weave of the fabric references the cloth of a typical hammock. Beneath the layers of carbon fibre lies a foam core, which insulates the tub, meaning the bath stays hot for considerably longer than normal. [Contemporist via This Isn’t Happiness]

Hot damn, I wish I were rich. I’d take all my conference calls from the hammock tub.

We’re kind of all over the place this week, folks. Read on for Facebook stalking, Cam vs. RG3, small talk, double-timing Australians, Sir Richard Branson, auctions versus snake drafts, trannies, GIFs, Noomi Rapace, and more.

Hi Matt,
How are you?

I am okay. How are you?

I’m doing okay.

That’s great to hear. This is a really good mailbag so far.

I’ll jump right into it.

Fantasy: I’m in a 10-team keeper league, standard scoring, with one QB slot. We get two keepers, and going into season’s end, I was set on having RGIII be one of them. Then his knee turned into jelly. My conundrum: I have both RGIII and Cam Newton on my roster. Do I:

1. Keep RGIII along with Newton as insurance;
2. Keep RGIII and another player (probably Randall Cobb) and hope to hell he is healthy/I can get a decent fallback option in case he isn’t;
3. Keep Newton and Cobb.

Of note: You have to surrender a draft pick for each keeper. For Newton, it’d be a first-rounder; for RGIII, a sixth-rounder. Thoughts?

Eep. That’s tough. I was all for you keeping Cam and ditching RG3 until I saw the cost of keeping him. As much as I WANT to tell you to keep them both, start Cam until Griffin’s healthy, then trade Cam, that’s really not an efficient use of keepers (plus it’s contingent on making a trade, which is often more difficult than you anticipate).

You have to choose one QB. Personally, I’d go with Cam because I’m a conservative coward who likes Newton’s size/durability. But Griffin, even beginning the season injured, may give you better value (and of course, there’s no denying the numbers he’ll get you if he gets/stays healthy). There’s clear upside to both, it just comes down to whether you want to play it safe or go a little riskier to get better value.

Sex: My girlfriend and I broke up a few months ago, and it’s sucked rather hard, but thanks to the Matt Ufford Post-Breakup Plan, things’re gradually getting better. (Side note: Thanks!)


I want to get back into the dating game, and have my eye on one girl in particular who was in my grad school class (we graduated last May). But I don’t know how best to ask her out, since we didn’t really talk much when we were in school, don’t really talk now, don’t run in the same social circles, and the only contact I have for her is Facebook, which feels like a weird way of trying to get a date. Any advice on asking out someone who isn’t a stranger, but isn’t much more than an acquaintance, in a way that isn’t creepy/awkward?

Yours in Christ,
L’Carpetron Dukemarriot

Ummm… not really, no. You’ve given me a pretty tight box to work with here. (“That’s what he said! Ohhhhh!” [*Andrew Dice Clay takes long drag on cigarette*])

If all you’ve got is Facebook, then you’ll have to use Facebook. You could use it in a creepy way — figure out where she works and which invitations she accepts, then be near those places until you “accidentally” bump into her. I’m no lawyer, but that KINDA sounds like stalking to me. You may as well just send her an honest Facebook message saying, “Hey, I never talked to you much in grad school, and I should have because I think you’re cool and smart and your hair’s shiny. And I know this is weird to ask you over Facebook, but I’d like to buy you a drink or a cup of coffee sometime.” Okay, maybe not the shiny hair comment, but some sort of compliment that conveys your attraction with being all “DURRR, YER PURDY.” Maybe she has an infectious laugh or always wears cool leggings — compliment something that says, “Hey, I noticed you” but not “Hey, I was always watching you.”

It’s a fine line, and the message will feel awkward regardless, but hey, you’re the one who never talked to her. Don’t pin this on me.


Dear Wise Internet Sage for The Modern Man:
Fantasy: Last year, a group of us — tired of complaining to each other about how weak our respective leagues were — built a league of “core” guys that go way back. It’s small (8 owners last year, looking at 10-12 this year), but we had a great first season. Big draft party weekend, lots of shit talk throughout etc.

We wanted to spice it up a little more this year. We were looking at moving to an auction draft this year (snake last year). The league is half newer fantasy players, but everybody’s getting hardcore fast. Most of us have never done one, but it seems like it would be even more fun/ fair/ dynamic. What do you think? If we go with it, any advice on helping it go smoothly?

An auction draft involves more strategy and planning. I’m incredibly lazy and have no desire to plan or strategize, which is why I prefer a snake draft. I like to keep fantasy in the “pleasant distraction” category, rather than the “competitive obsession” wormhole.

(I’m CERTAIN that someone in the comments will be like, “Dude, auction’s more fun! You HAVE to do auction! It’s super easy!” To which I respond: “probably, no I don’t, and maybe for you.” I’m gonna keep on being lazy and doing it the way that’s comfortable for me.)

But if your league wants to do an auction draft, by all means, go for it. People who do it tend to really like it. My only suggestion would be to make sure your commissioner lays out the rules/terms in detail ahead of time over email, then again just before the draft. You don’t want anyone bitching about not knowing the rules.

Sex: I’m happily married to a fantastic girl. Cool as shit, gorgeous, and getting her doctorate. #Winning.

Readers, please do not tell me that you’re #Winning. Not even ironically. It makes it sound like you’re competing with me (and other readers), and if you’re “winning,” then we, by necessity, are losing. And that’s kind of a dick-ish stance in this little mini-forum where — without getting too touchy-feely — we try to foster a feeling of community and cooperation.

You know who gets to say he’s winning? Richard Branson.


When YOU’RE a knighted billionaire kiteboarding with a naked model wrapped around you, THEN I will concede that you’re winning. Until that time, you’re just a dude married to a grad student.

So I figured I’d offer some pictures of my [non-wife] muse, Noomi Rapace. I mean, I like the airbrushed Victoria’s Secret anorexic 18 y/o’s as much as the next guy, but give me the athletic girl-next-door-at-least-if-you-live-in-Sweden-I-guess type every time. (See: Christmas Abbot. God I wished she lived next door…)
-Some of us in Florida are cool?

I wasn’t too enamored with the photos you sent, so I’m upgrading to a Rolling Stones video she was in (NSFW for brief boob exposure) plus some GIFs from Passion, which had me at “Noomi Rapace and Rachael MacAdams kissing.”

Anyhoo, she’s not my A-1 choice for celebrity crush, but I like that she’s so versatile. She was able to make Lisbeth Salander look dangerous and edgy while still bringing sexiness to the role. Unlike Rooney Mara and her retard bangs.


Dear KSK,
FF, ah screw it, draft is a few months away, and if they dont make the time when I’m working (I’m in OZ) I’ll be fine.

Sex Stuff: I am down to one woman sexually for now… the other one stepped out last week, before she found out I’m in love with a swedish bird coming out here for a couple of years. I’ve been open for years, ran two women for, 2 years now. And am open to the swedish bird puttin a non complete clause on me.

I’m not sure how much of your email is Australian accent and how much is crassness (and yes, I realize that’s a Venn diagram with some serious overlap), but I do want to step in and tweak some things for the American audience.

1. You don’t “run” women. They are not dogs, or a scam, or a Fortune 500 company.

2. The term you’re looking for, I believe, is “non-compete clause,” which, in this case, isn’t the most apt metaphor. Non-compete clauses usually prevent people from working for a competitor for a certain time after leaving a job — like how Rick Reilly couldn’t publish for ESPN for a long time after leaving Sports Illustrated (what a time that was!). I suppose they also technically prevent people from holding a concurrent job with a competitor, though, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt here.

Question is, I’m in love with enough people, why someone new to add to the people I love that hurt me.
PS, no more rainbow pants.
Scandinavian marionette

I’m not quite sure what your question is. I mean, “why someone new to add to the people I love that hurt me” isn’t a question in the grammatical sense. Are you asking about the benefits of monogamy? Are you afraid of committing because it’s hurt you before? Do you need me to tell you that your definition of “love” is kind of insulting to people who are in committed relationships and not “running” women?

I don’t know what you’re looking for, but I promise you I won’t wear the rainbow shorts again.


Good day O’ Wise One,
I sent you an email few months ago about the process of getting the wedding together which included a spread of Rosario Dawson. We’re still going strong but decided to push back the nuptials a bit. That’s not why I call for your aid today. No, this one is about my best buddy, who just lost his virginity for his 28th birthday last October.

He has two problems here. One, he and the girl he lost it to have been dating off and on for about 8 months now. He’s a little stuck on her, but she’s lost interest and is trying to move on to another guy and remain friends with my buddy. I’m trying to convince him to move on and either take some time for himself or date around, but he’s still holding a feeling for the girl. What should I do here?

Tell the girl that being friends with your buddy is just leading him on. Staying friends with someone after breaking up with them is a selfish, borderline cruel thing to do. They both need to keep their distance for his benefit.

Secondly, and what may have been the deathnail for the relationship was his performance in bed. Mind you, he is fresh off the virgin boat and doesn’t have many, if any, moves. She did complain about his “quickness.” I told him to remain mentally focused and slow the hell down. Any other advice on this?
Thanks so much,
Jay Doom

Nope. He’s not your problem. Go enjoy some sex with your fiancée.


Dear Captain Caveman,
I’m a long time reader of KSK and the Mailbag. I’m also a licensed professional psychotherapist. Your advice and suggestions to people make me think, “Absolutely! I hope the reader takes that advice to heart!” You’ve got a great thing going on here and it’s super well done!

Now, onto my questions:

Fantasy: My 12 year old nephew is moving across the country today and my husband and I are looking for a way to keep in touch with him without being a boring aunt and uncle he HAS to talk to a couple times a year. He’s into football, and so are we, so we’re thinking of starting a fantasy football league to play together. My question is, since we’ve never played before, what are your top pieces of advice for starting a league and having it be successful?

Have at least eight players, but preferably 10 or 12. Generation gaps in fantasy football are kinda weird, so try to recruit other family members or friends of his from his old hometown that he wants to keep in touch with. Try to recruit people with enough wherewithal/competitive drive to set their lineups every week.

Sex: Happily married for 12 years and no complaints in the sex department except, holy shit, kids make it difficult to find the time and energy! But, this too shall pass… my question is this, years ago I worked with a woman who used to be a man (M to F post-surgical transsexual) she insisted that one should never underestimate the value of a good handjob and went so far as to say that a great handjob was better than intercourse or a blowjob.


I’ve always wondered about this but as a woman who’s never had a penis I’m not sure how to evaluate this claim and I’m hoping the KSK mafia could take a stand on this issue.
Thanks for you time,
Maude Lebowski Would Know

I’d consider the source on this one. Is someone who had his penis removed REALLY the person to trust about handjobs? And I apologize if that’s insensitive to something as complex as gender identity for someone who got a sex change, but the bottom line is that this former man identified as a woman. Hence, she wasn’t necessarily programmed to enjoy the penis she was born with. (And another round of apologies for any confusion I’ve caused or ignorance I’ve displayed in my male/female pronouns.)

Anyway, to each his or her own, but your transsexual friend is in a very small minority on the subject of handjobs, for this simple reason: no woman can give me a better handjob than the one I can give myself. I have decades of daily practice, so unless this handjob has some kind of extenuating circumstance — it comes at the end of an hour-long massage from a naked Asian girl, say — I’m just gonna be like, “Never mind, just let me do it.”

tl;dr — blowjobs and sex are way better than handjobs. Talk to literally ANY MAN if you need confirmation.

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