“Honey, What’s A Four Letter Word For Lofty Anklegrabber?”

09.21.09 8 years ago 69 Comments

When we last left kettle-chip engulfing landmass Peter King, he was praising Michael Jordan for giving the worst Hall of Fame induction speech in history, AND he once again found a way to work Derek Jeter’s name into a football column. What about this week? Will Peter teach Dr. Z to tweet using only his tongue? Will he again experience the soothing luxury of an AirTran flight? HAVE THE KIT KATS MAINTAINED THEIR INTEGRITY? Will he suggest the Browns draft Tim Tebow #1 overall next year? Wait, he did that?. Jebus.

Anyway, time to do our thing. But first, a reader encounter with the lofty one. Reader Bob writes in…

Had to take a call on my way home today here in the South End, Boston. Standing there on the corner, and who pulls up in their blue 5-series BMW but PK and his wife.

PK and wife proceed to unpack the trunk and take their stuff upstairs. First two things that come out of the trunk are a 12-pack of Heineken Light and a 12-pack of Peroni, one in each of PK’s hands. The Peroni case handle rips open and the case crashes to the ground. He leaves it behind after checking to make sure nothing is broken. Empties the trunk, comes back and is about to pick up the Peroni.

“Hey I like your column.”


“You gotta stop writing about your colon though.”

“Oh, uh. Yeah that was only one column…”

“Every read Kissing Suzy Kolber online?”

“Yeah, I read it…”

“You should read it on Mondays, we have a bit of fun with your articles…”

(Look of “one of these assholes” comes across his face)

“Well have a good one!”


Not earth shattering but amusing never-the-less. Anyway, only other tidbit, the house next to him- halfway home for neighborhood bums/crackheads. You get to see them sit on the stoop, smoke and watch the occasional ambulance pulling up to take the drugged-up or heart attack victim to the hospital. Good times in the South End.

Now, I hate to be the killjoy here. After all, I’m the prick who makes fun of this poor man on a weekly basis. I’m the ringleader of the Peter King hate circus. I even urged you to go to his tweetups, which probably wasn’t the wisest move. But, outside of the cozy confines of our little bashfest here, I’d encourage you folks to leave Peter alone out in the real world. He’s just a normal person who writes a column that happens to be one of the more asinine offerings currently existing on the compunets. It’s far more polite (and enjoyable) to cruelly harass people from far, far away. That way, I never have to confront the fact that I am a horrible person who is going to Hell one day. So please, let’s keep our PK badgering online. Let us gather each Monday morning to savor every morsel of grating idiocy, like this line…

c. Julian Edelman: Wes Welker Jr.

Oh, brother. I saw that one coming a mile away. Shouldn’t that be Jewnior? Anyway, to the rest of the column…

“What’s up, Franchise?”

That’s how Jets coach Rex Ryan greeted Mark Sanchez at the Jets’ training complex in New Jersey the other day. It’s not a rare thing. “That’d be taboo for a lot of coaches to say to a player, obviously,” Sanchez said late Sunday afternoon.

Also taboo? Ryan’s other nickname for Sanchez: Spic O’Taco.

“It’s the elephant in the room, but coach Ryan just goes ahead and talks about the elephant. I like that.”

“You boys see that elephant in here? FUCKING SLAUGHTER IIIIITTTTT!!!!”

Twenty of the 30 quarterbacks who played Sunday entered the league in the past six years. I’m not sure if that’s any sort of record, but I do think it’s surprising that two-thirds of the quarterbacks we saw Sunday are in their 20s.

Hey, here’s a random stat that may not be significant at all: Did you know most football players are young and able-bodied?

Though he didn’t fare as well as Sanchez, Detroit’s Matthew Stafford, 21, showed flashes of why the Lions made him the first pick in the draft in leading Detroit to a 10-0 lead before falling 27-13.

The Lions went ahead 10-0 because Purple Jesus fumbled, Kevin Smith ran like crazy, and the Vikings can’t pass block for SHIT. The only thing Matthew Stafford did during that stretch was NOT throw to ball to Chad Greenway, a problem he soon happily corrected.

The Wildcat formation, born at Arkansas to a smart offensive coach, David Lee

And sired with a Pam Whiteley of Bethlehem…

I said on NBC last night that Sanchez got a good piece of advice from Derek Jeter.

And Jeter told Mark, “Look, always pull out and goob her hair ten seconds before you think you need to. You’re doing great work batting in front of me, Johnny.””

“Don’t read the headlines,” Jeter told them when they met at Yankee Stadium this summer.

And that is why Derek Jeter is the greatest athlete of my lifetime and yours. Seriously, isn’t King supposed to be a Red Sox fan?

A final note: Think of all the talent headed to the league in 2010: Oklahoma’s Sam Bradford, Texas’ Colt McCoy, Tim Tebow of Florida and Ole Miss’ Jevan Snead, and more. It’s going to be a young-armed league for a while.

Peter on April 13th:

(The Lions) wonder why (Matt) Stafford never became the super phenom he was supposed to be coming out of high school. All logical concerns. But they also know they like him, and they know Daunte Culpepper is not their quarterback of the long-term future, and they may not have a chance to draft a quarterback as promising in the next few years.

Except for those four men. And Jacory Harris. And Robert Griffin. And… oh, just forget it.

The odd thing — especially considering the topic of this column — is how well the older quarterbacks are playing.

You know what’s odd? That older quarterbacks would play well even though I chose to write about young quarterbacks. Whenever I usually write about young quarterbacks, Kurt Warner throws at LEAST four interceptions. Reality often bends to how I chose essay topics.

The three who have found the fountain of football youth:

Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it.

Brett Favre.

Oh, god dammit.

What was all the more admirable about the performance by Favre — who turns 40 in three weeks — is that he got sacked three times by the Lions and hit hard on four other occasions, and still had one of the most accurate days of his NFL career, completing 23 of 27 throws.

I think you’ll agree it’s easy to complete 23 of 27 throws when the coaching staff has you throw the ball about two yards shorter than the average Mark Brunell pass attempt.

Drew Brees.

What, what?

/goes back to original point
/reads about surprising fact that old quarterbacks are playing well
/sees Brees’ name
/sees that Brees is not old, nor that his success is surprising at all
/chews foil, stabs eyes

The young kid of the Trifecta at 30, Brees is playing some sick football. He doesn’t have a franchise running back, nor a franchise receiver (though Marques Colston is angular, tough and sure-handed)

In other words, Marques Colston is a franchise receiver.

If the Saints’ D holds up its end, New Orleans will be play deep into January.

I’m think, this team be power.

I can’t let this column top pass without acknowledging the greatness of Ray Lewis.

I can’t let this sentence pass without acknowledging the horrible, horrible play call that was practically designed to ensure that Ray Lewis would make a game-saving tackle and get undue adulation he doesn’t really deserve. Let’s assume you’re Norv Turner. Don’t look in the mirror! You won’t like the face you see! Now, it’s 4th and 2 with :30 left. You need a touchdown. Your quarterback has passed for over 400 yards. You have rushed for a meager 2.5 yards a carry. Do you decide:

A) Pass the ball, or
B) Bunch together as tightly as you can, allow the defense to stack the line, and run your smallest back right up the gut, even though he runs better in space, and even though your starting center is out, and even though it’s the single dumbest fucking play ever designed at any point in time by any coach ever in the history of everything ever.

Good call. Lofty call.

The Fine Fifteen

2. Minnesota (2-0).

Minnesota has beaten Cleveland and Detroit. They have yet to have their quarterback throw the ball farther than ten yards. They define not applicable.

…the Vikes woke up, and Brett Favre played like a 25-year-old.

Or a 39-year-old with a bad shoulder.

Or 35-year-old.

Or a 39-year-old with a bad shoulder.


“You know what? Just disregard everything I say.”

Imagine playing on the road,

Against the Lions.

against a team with a fired-up crowd,

That is cheering for the Lions.


Where the Lions won NO games last year.

and your 39-year-old quarterback has four incompletions all day.

Against the Lions. Amazing story. Quite possibly the greatest accomplishment of Brett Favre’s career, except for that one time he leg whipped a guy so that his teammates would love him.

6. Pittsburgh (1-1). Willie Parker, 12 carries for 47 yards. What happened to the Steelers running game? Second straight game it hasn’t been there.

If by “game,” you mean “season.”

7. Atlanta (2-0). Talk about a team sneaking up on the league. The Falcons are the quietest 2-0 team in football, and maybe the quietest team period.

(opposing team’s locker room)

Coach: We’re playing the Falcons this week, guys.

Player: The Falcons? Pfft! Doesn’t Michael Vick play for those assholes?

Coach: No, no. I think they won 11 games last year. AND they had the coach of the year. And they have one of the best young QB’s in football. And they traded for a Hall of Fame tight end during the offseason. At least I THINK they did… or did I just dream it? They’re so quiet. I think they play their games with the lights off.

Player: Let’s not prepare this week, coach. If they wanna beat us, they’ll have to sneak up on us, possibly by crawling through the duct work.

13. Chicago (1-1). Cutler redeemeth.

Redeemeth. Redeemed. Whatever.

15. Tennessee (0-2). Almost put Buffalo here, but Tennessee’s just better, even though the Titans looked so sloppy on defense against the Texans.

Almost put a “better” team here, even though they’re actually worse, and they played worse yesterday.

Ryan has a formula that’s pretty simple: Ryan is putting the chip on the shoulder of every opponent and backing up every word he’s saying.

Pretty sure it’s HIS players playing with a chip on their shoulder. It’s a simple formula, really. Shoulder chips + shattered taboos + pussy tubing = CHEMISTRY.

MVP Watch

Adrian Peterson, RB, Minnesota. He followed an intergalactic first game with a 116-yard second one, including another Cantonesque rushing touchdown.

It was downright semi-Cooperstownish.

Shameless MMQB Book Promotion of the Week

“Hey! Look what came out on the plane during my colon cleansing!”

Yes, I’ve written a book.

Read it, you college coach enablers!

It’s a combo platter of MMQB classic (there’s an oxymoron)

It’s funny because I suck!

and new stuff — lists,

Oooh, lists!


“You can’t pay firefighters enough.”

forecasting the future

“Something tells me this Adrian Peterson is gonna be something special.”

It’ll be out in October, and preorders are always welcome. For the next three or four weeks, I’ll give you a nugget from the book based on what’s topical in the football, online or Twitter universe.

This week, I’m giving you my top 12 quarterbacks of all time.

1. Otto Graham.
2. Sammy Baugh.
3. Joe Montana.
4. Johnny Unitas.
5. Brett Favre.
6. Peyton Manning.
7. John Elway.
8. Dan Marino.
9. Roger Staubach.
10. Tom Brady.
11. Bart Starr.
12. Terry Bradshaw.

Nice list, except that Unitas and Montana aren’t 1 and 2 in some order. And why the fuck is Derek Jeter missing? He’s at least Top 5.

By the way, number 100 on my best player ever list is a quarterback too. And he’ll surprise you quite a bit.

Because it’s Derek Jeter!

You’ll have to buy the book to find that one out.

Or, you could simply glance at the list for three seconds while at the store, and then go back to wiping your ass.

c. Julian Edelman: Wes Welker Jr.

Because he’s white, you see. Can we officially change Welker’s name to Eckstein now?

d. Belichick-Ryan handshake: Mangini-esque.

QuasiKanyeTaylorSwift-like. Ryan Revengeth.

Good for Kathy Holmgren: She knew her husband would be pining away for football during week one of the season, so she and Mike Holmgren took a vacation to Ireland that coincided with the entire first weekend.

Good for Kathy Holmgren: she purposely planned a vacation so that her husband couldn’t watch football even though he loves it. Kathy Holmgren: evil woman, or evilest woman?

I think Brad Childress must be mad at me. He told me Sunday that my love for Jim Schwartz and Bill Belichick was “transparent.”

I love you, Brad. I take away all the bad things I said, except for that one about you being a horrible coach who should be fired.

Gee, I thought I was doing a good job hiding it too. Next week, I’m going to keep all the coaches and all the teams happy. I’m going to pick every game exactly according to the spread. (Uh, not.)


Shane Lechler is on his way to another masterful season. Seven punts, 56.9-yard average at Kansas City. Long of 70. What a weapon.

Of democracy!

I think the loss of Jamal Williams for the season is more hurtful to San Diego than the loss of LaDainian Tomlinson. And the Chargers went out and proved it Sunday. They ran up 474 yards of total offense on the Ravens…

Only 53 of which were on the ground. No, they don’t miss him at all.

and allowed Baltimore to rush for 130 carries on 32 attempts.

130 carries on just 32 carries? That’s some bad defense when every carry occurs in quadruplicate.

If I lived in western New York, I’d be really excited about Trent Edwards.

If I lived in western New York, I’d be really excited about sticking a gun barrel in the back of my throat.

Come to think of it, the Patriots’ old uniforms are far, far better than the new ones.


If I’m Todd Haley, I don’t know where to start.

If I’m this sentence, I have no point.

There’s something missing from the Cowboys.

Good quarterbacking? Pass defense? Meryl Streep?

Don’t know what it is.

Good coaching? Good pass blocking?

Something like discipline.

Something quasi-disciplinesque. I know. CHEMISTRY.

How do the little mistakes keep happening from Tony Romo?

Because he blows when it matters? And because throwing four picks represents HUGE, GLARING, GODAWFUL MISTAKES, and not little tiny slipups?

How does Felix Jones, untouched, fumble like that? Where is DeMarcus Ware?


My best friend thinks Tony Dungy sounds like Cleveland in Family Guy. Your thoughts?

Your best friend needs to meet more black people.

There is nothing like a beautiful Indian Summer Saturday in New York City

Or, as the calendar calls it, “actual summer”.

especially around Soho. The crowds are incredible. What recession?

Look at all these people WALKING! They must be rich enough to not need cars!

My goal in life is to be a clue in the New York Times crossword puzzle. I’ve never told anyone that, but it’s true.

“Honey, what’s a nine letter name for Derek Jeter’s nutrag?”

Coffeenerdness: Try as I might to make a go of China Green Tips tea (that was Marino’s tea of choice at Starbucks when we worked at HBO, and I always admired how good he was being to steer clear of the coffee),

THAT is the power of Nutrisystem.

I can’t see myself being a daily drinker. Starbucks Italian Roast is making a comeback in our kitchen in Boston.

No love for the Zulu blend? It’s what Cleveland from Family Guy drinks!

Weird pennant race. Like, where is one?

What if I just asked questions the whole column long, and never bothered to answer any of them?

Very good opening night for The Office, but I’ve been told by too many of you that I can’t spoil the ending. Suffice it to say Stanley gets mad, and I don’t blame him, and it is very funny.

Oh, that DOES sound funny! This show play deep into midseason!

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