KSK Mailbag: ‘Baby, I need some time to play Grand Theft Auto’

06.12.14 3 years ago 58 Comments



Awwwww yeah it’s mailbag time! By which I mean: I have finished watching the World Cup for the day, and can now finally turn my attention to actual work. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Covered in this week’s ‘bag: keepers, mourning a fling ended by geography, rookie quarterbacks, adjusting to life after long-distance relationships, more keepers, and balancing cohabitation with interests you don’t share. Got questions for next week’s bag? Hit us up at kissingsuzykolber of the gmail variety. Let’s party. 


Greetings from Indonesia!
Been married for 3 years and blessed with a beautiful baby girl. My question is not about friend zone or anal, for a change. So I occasionally buy somewhat expensive things for the wife, but she don’t seem to show much appreciation. In the past 6 months alone, I’ve gotten her a new car, an IPhone 5s (costs almost $1000 here, blah), and a decent ring.

Whereas the only thing I’ve gotten for myself is a cheap guitar (I’m just starting out so cheap works), and well I guess the car’s for the both of us. She says thanks, but still I keep hearing about how I didn’t get her anything nice for her birthday several months ago (I did take her to an OK dinner). So how do I get her to appreciate instead of highlighting the things I didn’t do?

This one’s easy and difficult all at once. You can:

(A) not buy your wife nice things she doesn’t appreciate, and/or

(B) make sure you buy her nice things on her birthday.

I’ve been in a similar situation with my wife. The first year that we were together, I sent flowers to her work on Valentine’s Day with a note that read “Don’t expect this every year” because I hate Valentine’s Day. I take offense that there’s a corporation-induced societal cue to be romantic. I want to get my wife flowers regularly and on a whim, pleasantly surprising her after a bad day or for no reason whatsoever. I explained all of this to her, and I was met with weepy, animé eyes. See, she really likes getting flowers on Valentine’s Day.

So, fuck it. Now she gets flowers on Valentine’s Day along with the other times throughout the year I want to spontaneously treat her. Sometimes romance is just checking the box.

Obviously, new cars and Indonesian iPhones are pricier than lilies, but the point’s the same: with a little bit of communication, you can express your feelings about the gifts you’ve gotten her, while also gaining a better understanding that she wanted something more than dinner on her birthday, which is really special to her even though her mother did all the work. (“Way to get shoved out of a vagina, here’s an iPhone.”)

On fantasy, it’s a bit early I guess to ask anything specific. Generally in an auction draft, do you advocate spending 85% of your budget on 2-3 proven players and the rest on whoever’s leftovers, or spread the budget more evenly? I do the former, usually injuries kick my ass and it hurts like hell.
Thanks for the sage advice.
I Named My Cat Barkevious

So if you do something that continuously doesn’t work, maybe it’s time to try something else.


what’s happenin?!?

football first: won my league for the first time ever, with some baller moves. here’s the briefest recap…

Nah. I’ll just delete that part for the readers’ sake.

so, here i sit upon champeen mountain, ruminating. i have everything but a first round pick in a 2 QB/3 keeper league. brees will cost my 2nd; peyton, my third. also on bench are b. marshall (2nd in ’13), knowshon (waiver pickup, would cost my rd 17 pick), not really anybody else worth mentioning.

i’m thinking keep brees, peyton & knowshon. i’m sure i could get the 1st rd pick (and more) back for either QB. but it’s been a keeper league for a couple years now. slim pickings at the top of the draft, especially in light of the 2 QB thing. lots of savvy GMs. and i essentially won out by virtue of having the top two passers. WWKSKD?

Not play in a 2-QB league, for starters.

So, I’m not sure if you can keep both Brees and Marshall, since they both cost you second-round picks. But if you can, I’d rather have Marshall than Moreno. Moreno was a top running back last year, but I have serious doubts that he’ll produce in the Dolphins offense like he did in the Broncos (at the very least, it’s unlikely he’ll be scoring as many touchdowns). Marshall is a proven commodity, a fantasy stud in a dangerous offense. Even with the disparity in picks from 2nd to 17th, I’d take the sure thing over the question mark (if you can, of course — your QBs take priority).

sex question: my lady is down with introducing a second lady to the mix. we both view the inclusion of a third party as “just for fun, like toys”. pros/cons to the second lady being one i have previously “known”?
regards and construda,
clever username

Pros: you get to have sex with someone you’ve had sex with before. Memories!

Cons: Fucking an ex with your girlfriend is typically not a relationship booster. I’m no expert in this matter, but everything I’ve read on MFF threesomes indicates that your tryst is best served by a female that your girlfriend or wife hits it off with, and it’s best when that third party is a stranger or acquaintance.


Dear Captain of Sage Advice,

Sexy time (But really the opposite): Quick background. I’m a young twenties guy who spent the last month and a half with a girl who was great. We hung out all the time, everything was top notch, but we never started “dating” because we knew there was an end date when she had to move away for her job. We’re both young and pretty reasonable and knew there was no chance for us to have a relationship, at least in the foreseeable future. But here’s where my question/dilemma comes in. If there’s never really a break-up,should I still follow the Ufford Post Breakup Rules of cutting off contact?


At first it seemed like an easy no. I enjoyed getting to chat with her, she’s a great person, and of course it’s always nice to have that attention of someone you know that likes you.

But now I’m rethinking everything after about two weeks of chatting. Talking with her is still nice, but it just makes me miss her (Feelings are lame sometimes.) Although we spent such a short period of time together, I ended up getting a lot more attached to her than I could have anticipated (those feelings were/are reciprocated.) So each day I switch between, “it’s so great being able to stay in touch” and “wow, talking with you just reminds me that you aren’t here and that sucks.” I guess talking frequently may be hindering my ability to move on, but I also don’t want to completely forget her or shut her out of my life because the only thing that ever went wrong was she had to move away.

Which is why you shouldn’t do the break-up plan. You like talking to her. So keep talking to her.

Additional piece of info that may be pertinent: She just started her active duty in the Army (in the States) and while she seems to be handling it very well, I just feel like there’s an added level of douchery if I was to cut her out or even cut back contact with her. I support our troops!

With your penis! That’s more than most civilians are doing. Bravo, sir.

And she has mentioned to me that being able to chat has helped her with the transition of moving and meeting new people and such.

So what’s the course of action for me here? If your advice is to cut back or cutoff contact, what’s a good way to go about doing so in a situation such as this?

Help me obi wan, you’re my only hope,
Sexy Rexy Strikes Back

Here’s the awesome thing about being single in your early 20s: you can be totally into someone who’s in another state and still date casually. Like, you guys are into each other, so go ahead and FaceTime and Skype and take road trips on holiday weekends for that hot young-person sex. But that doesn’t mean you have to date exclusively. After all, as a woman in the military, she’s got her pick of strapping, virile young men around her.  There’s no reason for either of you to go without a little companionship here and there if you’re keeping a casual long-distance fling.

And if you decide that you like each other so much that you want to get more serious, well, you’re young and idealistic enough to think a long-distance relationship is a good idea. (It’s not, but it will fill you with love and longing, and you can listen to emo music and feel all artistic and shit.)

So just relax and enjoy it. Keep communicating with her as much as you like — and by all means, meet up when you can — but be realistic about your dating life.


Dear KSK,
Fantasy: I joined a long time keeper league last year & took over an abandoned team. I was able to take the abandoned last place team and win the whole league last year. Boo ya!

Now I’m faced with keepers. Standard scoring 12 team league with a bunch of flex spots (QB, RB, RB/WR, RB/WR, WR/TE, WR/TE). Each team is allowed up to 6 keepers, with each keeper costing a draft pick (1 keeper, you give up 1st round pick. 6 keepers, you give up all your picks through round 6). I’m having a tough time deciding on my 6th keeper. Obvious keepers include: Eddie Lacey, Brandon Marshall, Vincent Jackson, Zac Stacy & Reggie Bush.

That’s quite a haul.

I’ve considered giving up the keeper for a pick in the 6th round but we do our draft like the NFL instead of snake style. Since I won the league last year, I’m picking last in every round. Should I use my 6th keeper on Roddy White, Joique Bell (Bush handcuff) or Danny Amendola (hahaha just kidding, I will never own Danny Amendola again)? I can also keep Tony Romo or Jay Cutler but I highly doubt they have 6th round value for a keeper league.

Are you kidding? Romo at the end of the 6th is great value. Romo was 10th in the NFL in FPPG last year, and even ol’ J-Cutty is a solid investment with Alshon and Marshall catching jump balls from anywhere on the field.

Also: Do you have any thoughts on this draft style compared to snake style? 

I don’t love the NFL-style draft, because the NFL isn’t re-drafting the entire lot of skill players every year. The savviest NFL teams might get two or maybe three immediate starters out of the NFL draft — fantasy players are drafting entire teams. A fantasy league not using a snake draft unfairly punishes the people who drafted well last year.

Of course, with your league having as many as six keepers, I guess that dulls the point of my argument. Whatever, I still don’t like it.

If you were drafting a rookie quarterback to start for you in a keeper league, who would you pick?

I wouldn’t want any rookie to start for my fantasy team. I suppose I’d go Manziel for immediate upside (assuming he eventually wins the job), but I like Bridgewater’s chances as a pro, too. (“Bortles?” you ask. No.)

Sex: My girlfriend has recently moved to my town after doing the Long Distance thing (relatively long distance, no more hour long car drive to bookend every weekend!) for a year and a half. It’s been a few months now living in the same town and things have gone really well. We’ve been able to transition from seeing each other only during the weekends to spending the majority of our time together. We’ve planted a garden together,

spent time playing video games (Few things better in life than those gold stars in Super Mario Galaxy) & general tasks that come with moving into a new home. Weeknight sex is pretty great, too.

The only thing I miss is having week nights alone to myself to do whatever I want. This mostly entails playing my own video games that she doesn’t like. Madden, GTA V (She walked in on a particularly violent cutscene one time. I had to use a bunch of different instruments to torture a guy & she wasn’t a huge fan.)

I mean, the mid-torture selfie just wasn’t necessary.

are my go-to games as of late. I don’t think “Hey babe, I enjoy our time together but I gots to have ME TIME!” would go over all too great, especially if I told her my ME TIME consisted of mostly video games. I’m not looking to spend every day away from her, just the weeknight or two. What is the best way to approach the subject without coming off as a huge selfish asshole?


Wait, so are you guys living together, or in different homes in the same town? It’s not quite clear to me. Because if you have different apartments (or houses, whatever), then it’s reasonable enough to ask for one or two nights a week to yourself.

But if you’ve living together, AHAHAHAHAHA welcome to cohabitation. “Me time” exists when your girlfriend chooses to do something without you (or when you make plans with friends). When you live together, there’s no “Beat it, babe, I gotta play some Madden.” I mean, you’re welcome to try that, but you should already be thanking your lucky stars you have a girlfriend who plays video games with you.

But basically, this is your life now. Your interests are the interests you share with your partner. And the stuff that you like that she doesn’t? That gets shoehorned into every minute that you’re by yourself in the home. As I write this, my wife is on her way back to California for a long weekend with friends and family, and — once I finish my to-do list — I’ve got a nice little list of stuff that only I like on the DVR. Hell, I might go REALLY crazy and go see that Tom Cruise Groundhog War movie. That’s life as half of a partnership: you get limited opportunities to be selfish about your interests. It can suck at times, but it’s generally better than dying alone.

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