NFL Personalities’ Valentines Day Plans: Revealed!

02.11.14 4 years ago 74 Comments


Valentine’s Day is coming up soon, and though people may not admit it publicly, everybody needs love. Indeed, even our favorite NFL personalities are not immune to the sweet sting of Cupid’s arrow.  So we decided to find out what they all had planned for the big holiday. Through a myriad of investigative strategies including wiretaps, TMZ-style stalking, and setting up dummy OKCupid profiles filled with pictures of a young Fran Tarkenton, we were able to bring you a definitive list of what your favorite NFL personality is doing this Valentines Day.

Pete Prisco: Leave Crossfit class 45 minutes early, claim to be preparing for valentines day with wife when you’re actually too winded to continue, end up watching Rudy alone on couch.

Peter King: Candlelit dinner at Starbucks with cardboard cutout of Brett Favre.

Mel Kiper: Spends all day doing a cost-benefit analysis on the pros and cons of taking his wife to Fogo de Chao, misses the holiday entirely.

Jay Glazer: All night on the phone texting twenty different women before eating a rare steak alone in front of a mirror while shaving his head.

Darren Rovell: Calculates how much would earn if Tebow announced he used them. Checks on the frozen bodies in his basement.

Drew Magary: Wrestles all day on Twitter with how to celebrate a holiday designed by corporations to sell greeting cards. Decides to make the night special despite the holiday’s origins, makes reservations at a nice restaurant, and plans to embrace the cheesy nature of the holiday sincerely and without irony. Is stricken by a violent bout of the runs right before his reservation time. Ends up spending the evening live-tweeting his poops.

Rick Reilly: Makes a half-assed version of the dinner he made for his wife in 1992.

Mike Florio: Romantically reads the Latin on his juris doctorate diploma by the soft glow of his Windows Phone.

Merrill Hoge: Gently keeps his date warm in his massive tie, throws it over a puddle so she doesn’t get wet.

Jon Gruden: Places a stack of $$$ on his nightstand. Puts in a dip. Waits…

Phil Simms: Brings his wife a beautiful bouquet of roses after taking her to a romantic french bistro for dinner. Surprises her with chocolates in the bedroom. Screams out “JEEEEEEEEEEEEM” mid-coitus.

Ed Werder: “Honey, I won’t be home this Valentine’s Day. Reporting live, from Valley Ranch, this is Ed Werder.”

Chris Mortenson: Reports on a league source reporting his wife is sleeping with the pool boy.

Adam Schefter: <ERROR> Robot not sentient being, can’t show emotion. Please input data in proper format. </ERROR>

Howie Long: Opens the champagne for his wife saber-style with his flattop, only gives wife presents from his impressive collection of endorsement deals.

John Clayton: Styles his mullet and heads to the local BW3 for 10 cent wing night and then amateur wrestling show.

Lee Corso: Since he was a really good husband all year, his wife agreed to spice things up and fulfill one of Corso’s darkest fantasies by wearing the mascot head this time.

Chris Berman: Fastest Three Minutes.

Skip Bayless: Returns home at 1am after a 16 hour day of filming, writing, and yelling. Wife and kids are asleep. Microwaves himself the last Lean Cuisine Chicken Alfredo frozen dinner in the house and hopes the beep on the microwave wakes his wife up. It doesn’t. He pulls up a chair to his kitchen island and sheds a single tear.

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