06.09.09 8 years ago 21 Comments

The Bengals’ web site has one of those garden-variety off-season redemption profiles of Chad Ocho Cinco, in which he vows this coming season won’t be quite as unremarkable as the last. It being Ocho, bland anecdotes about being inspired from one conversation with Denzel Washington and Kobe “Moutheyes scowl” Bryant at the NBA Finals are interspersed with magically disjointed and pause-worthy quotes about his relationship with Carson Palmer.

“I know people are trying to say we’re mad at each other and all that, but we’re good,” he said. “We’re like Brokeback Mountain. I’m going to be with Carson so much in July that I’m going to be the nanny (for his new twins).

I’m not totally up on my state-by-state gay adoption laws, but I’m pretty sure Ohio hasn’t granted those sort of rights for gay couples, but shine on you crazy kids.

“I’m going to babysit. We were getting down to the details. If he and the wife go out, they have to be back by three. I asked for permission to have company over.”

And he gets to keep this old birdcage!

Painfully tired Brokeback jokes aside, is there a worse idea than leaving your children alone with Ocho? Even if he doesn’t make them play inside the dryer, his circles of logic will render their still-forming minds to gelatin. Because he’s an alien. (Sorry Hulu)

It’s a good thing he brings the crazy in this profile, because there exists a distressing paucity of it in his Twitter feed. So far not a single mention of Car Boat (the boat with cars) and 8,000 responses to Ray Lewis’ feed. Someone’s peyote supply is diminished.

Elsewhere, Cedar Point amusement park will host a Brady Quinn Day this Saturday. In future news, Quinn will be disappointed to learn that “Batman the Ride” is a roller coaster.

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