Take A Playoff Picture For Me

12.08.10 7 years ago 43 Comments

With each passing week, the playoff picture becomes less and less cloudy. It also becomes more apparent that the Pats are really good this season (shit!). That said, with four weeks remaining in the 2010 season, no team has yet clinched a playoff berth and much is still to be determined. To serve the interest of confused readers and indulge our unending desire for quick and lazy jokes, KSK has put together an exhaustive (and exhausting!) list of playoff scenarios for each team still in playoff contention. Actually, that’s not true; we neglected several teams that, while they have yet to be mathematically eliminated, engender zero confidence and have no pressing tasteless jokes about which to tell. Please forgive our oversight.


The Falcons can clinch the NFC South and home-field advantage throughout the playoffs if:

Kroy Biermann has a blissful marriage with that mannish reality TV whore he proposed to


They come up with names for their children that are at least as stupid as “Kroy”


Kroy commits his post-football life to recreating the seminal late-’90s TV sensation “Shasta McNasty”


The redness of Mike Smith’s face does not exceed three hues brighter than the color featured on the team’s uniforms

The Bears can clinch the NFC North and a first-round bye if:

This guy can find a way to cram a “C” into first-round bye;


Everyone overlooks the fact that the Lions got jobbed against them twice


They somehow get lucky as hell and beat the Pats, Jets and then the Packers on the road in the next month

The Eagles can clinch the NFC East if:

Peter King at least waits until the offseason to satisfy his voracious bloodlust for Michael Vick

RT @bennymac_mt: Using your p manning theory, take away vick and what would eagles record be? … Kolb’s Eagles 31, Falcons (10-2) 17.less than a minute ago via TweetDeck


Vick stops getting kneed in the head four times per game

The Giants can clinch a playoff spot if:

At any point, fewer than a half dozen of their receivers are injured


They play the Redskins every week


Antrel Rolle receives the military decorations befitting someone who served on the treacherous battlefield of New Meadowlands Stadium

The Packers can clinch a playoff spot if:

Dawg, Greg Jennings carry the team on his f*ckin back, doh


He do this shit

AND they can win the division if:

He do it for Madden



The Saints can unseat and the Falcons and win the NFC South if:

The Drew Brees NFL Shop customized T-shirt ad can just air three more times per commercial break


Malcolm Jenkins strips the division title from Atlanta just before it crosses the goal line

The Buccaneers can clinch a playoff berth if:

They get relocated to the NFC West


Josh Freeman’s parents become a persistent mixed-race marriage joke on “The Boondocks.”

The Rams can win the NFC West if:

I don’t know, they win one more game this year?

The Seahawks can win the NFC West if:

They agree to give Top Pot maple bars to the superior Wild Card team they host in their bullshit home playoff game in the first round.


The Patriots can win the AFC East and secure homefield advantage through the playoffs if:

Deion Branch’s perm doesn’t make Tom Brady mistake him for Eddie Griffin


flubby refuses to get off his dead ass and pronounce them dead once again

The Steelers can clinch the AFC North and a first-round bye if:

Rooney’s nephews continue their noble quest of handing Pittsburgh games where they didn’t actually get all the calls

Everything that happens is tangentially connected to that unfortunate episode of alleged rapeyness

The Jaguars can clinch the AFC South if:

God truly loves us and shows it by making the Colts miss the playoffs even in a year when the rest of their division is garbage.

The Chiefs can win the AFC West if:

Fantasy owners don’t file rape charges for the continued underuse of Jamaal Charles


Todd Haley ever stops maniacally cackling about Josh McDaniels’ firing


Haley’s little brother still can’t borrow the Camaro

The Jets can secure a playoff spot if:

Sanchez retires


Sanchez doesn’t suck


Sanchez retires

The Ravens can make the playoffs if:

Joe Flacco stops assuming a safety lined up next to linebacker isn’t there to deliver him a fruit basket

The Chargers can win the AFC West if:

Richard from “Fun Diego” doesn’t have too skeevy baggage


The highlight of Ryan Mathews’ season doesn’t end up being this cameo on Jimmy Kimmel (it will)

The Colts can win the AFC South if:

They stop eating the ass of every team they play


Bill Polian convinces the competition committee that it’s mandatory for the Fat Humps to make the playoffs


Colts fans still stupidly demand for Polian to be fired.

The Raiders can win the AFC West if:

Every team can shit the bed against them as aggressively as the Chargers


Jemele Hill successfully ignites a race war when Jason Campbell is benched for the eighth time this season

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