This Week In F–k You: The NFL schedule roll-out

04.17.14 4 years ago 48 Comments


It’s been a long April without the usual NFL Draft shenanigans; the NFL was forced to move the NFL Draft from its usual perch in late April because of (allegedly) scheduling issues at Radio City Music Hall. And, so, we are left to sit and wonder when we’ll finally get to see the full NFL schedule, something to whet our appetite and give us all something to do: namely, start prognosticating match-ups and scheduling weddings so they don’t overlap with the most important games. But the NFL has been mum on this, too, so far this spring.

At least until this week.

Having already rolled out the preseason schedule last week to much drummed-up fanfare – Redskins versus Browns on Monday Night! – all that was left was for the NFL to announce the regular schedule. It’s not like they don’t have it made out. They just want to release it at the right time. Or something. It was fine to sit, wait, and grow a little annoyed the league didn’t just get its shit together and let it out into the wild.

But then NFL PR guy Brian McCarthy tweeted this out earlier this week.

So… they will make an announcement for when they will announce the schedule?

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you, NFL.

This is a goddamn schedule, not a fucking debutante debut party. We already know the match-ups for each team going forward for many, many years. And we know the NFL likes to make a big goddamn production, dragging out the schedule reveal across several hours of primetime television that is almost always undermined by “leaks” for each team, anyway.

But noooooooooooooo we have to make a big fucking Broadway production out of all this.

On Tuesday, NBC Sports reported Florio reporting the below news.

So, right now, we have a “rumor” that the NFL will likely announce that they will announce the 2014 schedule next week even though we know who is playing who and where they’re playing the games, we just don’t know when. Congratulations, NFL, you’ve out-assholed yourself. And it takes a lot for a billion-dollar indus- er, non-profit to come off like a bigger asshole but you did it, The Shield, you did it. Rather than simply roll out the schedule in the middle of the night, or in the middle of a work day, you’ve got to milk it for all it’s worth. You’ll announce when you’ll announce it? It’s hard to imagine anything being more convoluted this side of the national tax code. At least when David Stern ruled the NBA with an iron fist he managed to exude authority; Goodell and company have all the ferocity of a goddamn gummy bear.

And the worst part is that I’ll still tune in to the announcement show to get the scheduling, making me an even bigger asshole. And it’s probably already pretty certain the season opener will be Seahawks-49ers. But whatever.

May you suffer from 10,000 face-slaps, NFL.

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