Who’s Dumber: Cops or Crooks? You Decide!

Senior Contributor
08.27.10 5 Comments

Well, the cops are hotter, at least.

Normally we just do posts about stupid criminals, but since there are lots of those, we thought we’d vary it up with a story of a colossally retarded shoplifter, cops who clearly can’t handle an Allen wrench, and a sex tape that’s incriminating in the literal sense.  Yes, it’s incompetence both criminal and institutional today on Uproxx News!

First up we’ve got two anonymous shoplifters who walked into the store they were targeted in Portland, Oregon, only to discover it was full of children.  Accompanied by police officers.  That’s because this store was having a heavily advertised “Shop with a Cop” day, where officers escorted children though the store to help them buy school supplies, and presumably have adorable and vaguely Orwellian photo opportunities.  At first daunted, they decided that despite the presence of huge numbers of police, in uniform, fully armed, that they were too distracted by the adorable urchins to notice them loading blenders into their backpacks.  Unfortunately for them, the store’s security staff, manning the cameras, weren’t distracted by the moppets, caught it all on video, and then had the crooks dropped.

Then all the children were escorted by to laugh and point.  OK, not really, but we bet anything the temptation was strong.

Far less competent were the mechanics for the Columbus, OH, police force’s helicopters.  They were searching for a missing person using the highly advanced and expensive infrared camera, when the $100,000 piece of equipment…fell off the helicopter, slamming into a bunch of cars, and ruining everything from the search to the day of the motorists who somehow had to explain their tax dollars being dropped on their windshield from a great height to their insurance company.

Unsurprising, Police Sergeant Richard Weiner (he insists it’s pronounced Way-ner, but we’re skeptical) says the camera had just been reinstalled, and incompetence might be involved.  We’re pretty sure the FAA, who had to get involved because bits dropping off of aircraft is their bailiwick, will probably come to the same conclusion.  The camera will probably be replaced by holding a bake sale.

Speaking of cameras, that gives us a kind of thin segue into our final dumb criminals story, about a couple in Gray’s Harbor, Washington. Apparently unhappy with their home as a location for their foray into amateur pornography, they decided to break into someone else’s house and do it on their floor. Why? Maybe they had nice rugs. That’s important when having sex on a floor, and we’d know.

Anyway, one thing this house definitely had was a neighbor checking the mail, and he walked in and got a free show for his trouble, followed by two naked people sprinting out the door. The cops recognized the couple from what’s discreetly called “previous observation”, as well as noticing the camera was stolen, and they were both arrested. Which means the sex tape is evidence, and as evidence, needs to be uploaded to the Internet immediately, as it’s a public document.

Hurry up, Grays Harbor Police. The public has a right to know.


  • It’s “Shop with a Cop” Day, not “Shoplift with a Cop” Day, idiots. (Times Herald)
  • Somebody in Ohio can’t use an Allen wrench. Considering the Bengals and the Browns, that’s not a surprise. (Morning Journal)
  • This is why we make our sex tapes on the editor’s desk, after he leaves for the day. (Lacrosse Tribune)



  • If you need more culture after that crass sex tape, there’s new parts of “Madame Bovary” available, for your cultural edification. In Playboy! Finally, graduate students really can read it for the articles! (New Yorker)
  • This isn’t actually news, but Kelly Brook is really, really hot.  Like really hot.  And that’s before you get to the accent.  (I need a link here, so here’s a photo of her.  You’re welcome!)




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