You’d think the rich, of all people, would go for tax cuts. Well, in one particular case, you’d be wrong! This and the TSA has finally inspired a new form of underwear. Yes, it’s civil rights day at Uproxx News!
Millionaires are Communists, According to Right Wingers, Who Are Millionaires. Wait, What?
First up, a bunch of millionaires are demonstrating that there is such a thing as too much money. For those not familiar with the dynamic and exciting world of tax policy, we got the gist from Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann: Republicans are currently arguing that tax cuts passed under George W. Bush should be kept because taxes are bad and government shouldn’t pay for things, so why should government have money? Democrats are arguing that the rich are evil baby-eaters who can not stand to have one or two of their precious millions jerked away from their shooting-poor-people-with-grenade-launchers fund and put into some sort of vaguely defined social welfare program that probably doesn’t work.
So a bunch of millionaires have decided to throw a wrench in the works by coming out and insisting that A) no, they don’t eat babies, although they’re not commenting on the delicious flesh of more mature children, and B) no, really, guys, it’s OK, we can tax them through the nose. This group of oddly well-off Commies are the Patriotic Millionaires for Fiscal Strength. Their statement reads:
“For the fiscal health of our nation and the well-being of our fellow citizens, we ask that you allow tax cuts on incomes over $1,000,000 to expire at the end of this year as scheduled. We make this request as loyal citizens who now or in the past earned an income of $1,000,000 per year or more.”
No word on how the politicians who have spent years trying to protect these millionaires from paying for anybody else are taking this particular weigh-in from the millionaires. Especially since one of them is business god Warren Buffett. Yes, the guy who’s so cheap he’s worth billions and still drives a used car has said “Yeah, I’m not taxed enough.” This promises to be an entertaining argument over taxes for once.
Everybody Hates the TSA
Sure, holiday travel always sucks, and it’s no fun being manhandled by some doofus with a GED drunk on the teeny little drop of power the government gave him, but after a decade of having to take off their shoes and protecting America from solid state drives, apparently America has finally decided they’re over this whole 9/11 thing, right around the time it was a choice between getting a full-body bath with X-rays or having said doofus touch you in your bathing suit area.
There’s no one incident we can really think of. Maybe it was the guy with the catheter who wound up covered in his own urine? Maybe it was that three-year-old getting strip-searched? Maybe it was just the fact that, surprise, the TSA flagrantly lied about being able to save body scans. Either way, Americans have reacted in the best way they know how: free enterprise!
Jeff Buske, of Colorado, has decided what America needs now in this time of civil liberties disputes is underwear lined with tungsten to protect your sensitive areas from the backscatter scanner. And, of course, the tungsten is stitched in in the form of fig leaves.
Yep, it’s a scanner-proof jockstrap. This is why we love America.
- Millionaires to Politicians: No, We’re Cool With Higher Taxes. Go Ahead! (Yahoo! News)
- Leave it to the free market to exploit fears by putting tungsten close to your skin. Get snuggly with it! (L.A. Times)
- Formerly semi-respected semi-journalist Maury Povich has decided to branch out with an episode far more tasteful than his usual fare of paternity tests: he’s going to administer a DNA test to a bearded hermaphrodite and her long-lost son to confirm they are actually related. It’s nice to see Maury shifting back to those mainstream interest types of stories (AOL News)
- Italy is a country facing profound economic and social troubles. So its fearless leader, Silvio Berlusconi, is addressing one of the most important issues head-on: he’s giving a priceless statue in his office a detachable magnetized penis. Hey, to the statue, that’s important. (SFGate)
- What does former Spice Girl Mel B have to do with any of this? Nothing, but she comes up when you search “Sexy Paternity” on Google Images.
KNOW YOUR STATS
- The average paternity test costs between $400 and $2000. Doing it on “Maury”, however, is absolutely free, as anybody going on “Maury” can’t value the dignity it’ll cost them that much in the first place (American Pregnancy)
- But it might be worth it! 4% of guys are raising someone else’s kid. (Live Science)
- Mel B still has nothing to do with this, but your other option was Rick Ross.