In the galaxy of equivocating slobs, Peter King is one

10.17.11 6 years ago 82 Comments

When we last left part Jerry from “Parks & Recreation,” part circus tent Peter King, he was fondly recalling his time at the Starbucks at Madison and 51st in Seattle, a location that Seattle readers tell us doesn’t actually exist. Ah, but it does! Like Platform 9 3/4 at King’s Cross Station, the secret Starbucks at Madison and 51st is only visible to COFFEE WIZARDS. So what about this week? Will Peter survive his move to New York City? Surely, that can’t be anywhere near as walkable a city as his beloved Boston! READ ON.

I liked it better when coaches wore suits.

The NFL likes coaches to wear licensed casual apparel on the sidelines (not “likes;” more like “mandates”), and maybe there’d be more dignity in sideline decorum if the league went back to allowing coaches to dress like businessmen. Maybe that would have prevented 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, after a huge win at Detroit, from flying off the sidelines like a bottle rocket and slapping Lions coach Jim Schwartz like a player on his team who’d just scored a touchdown.

I see we’ve wasted no time in getting to the BLITHERING STUPIDITY portion of today’s column. Would wearing suits prevent coaches from staging almost fights? MAYBE. Would dressing in full morning suits actually mitigate the occurrence of PLAYER fights as well? POSSIBLY. Could it be that the decline of the American economy can be traced directly to the advent of the Starter jacket? GREGG EASTERBROOK SAYS WE SHOULD NOT DISCOUNT THE POSSIBLITY.

And maybe it would have stopped Schwartz, though understandably ticked off at Harbaugh’s exuberance, from chasing after him the way he’d chase the kid on the block bullying his fourth-grader.

In fact, has Schwartz been wearing a tie, he would have chased after Harbaugh only because he wished to invite him to a special costume gala at the University Club later that evening! CAN’T YOU SEE HOW SWEATPANTS ARE TEARING THE LEAGUE’S COACHING FRATERNITY APART?! Don’t you see how wearing a suit on TV makes Peter look like he knows stuff about footb… wait a second.

If it weren’t for a 49er security guy and San Francisco PR man Bob Lange interceding… this story might be a lot more than three paragraphs on the top of this column.

But definitely still not as much as the SEVEN paragraphs dedicated to the Red Sox at the bottom of today’s column.

The coaching confrontation was the wildfire story of the day at 7 p.m…

WILDFIRE STORIES! They aren’t just for wildfires. You get a good wildfire nugget, YOU GO WITH IT.

Point is, the actions of Harbaugh and Schwartz took away from a great football game.

No they didn’t. They made it triple awesome.

I don’t care who started it, or who was most at fault.

Yeah, let’s not get all “contexty” about this thing. The nuances don’t matter. What matters is… THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF JOSEPH A. BANK WAS IN CHARGE.

With the egalitarianism of the East and the presumed knock-each-other-off dogfight in the South, why can’t the Niners win 12 or 13? Have you seen them play?… Not to get ahead of ourselves, but in the words of teens everywhere, I’m just saying.

Oh, those wacky teens, with their “I’m just sayings” and their ThinkPhones. Don’t think the 49ers are for real? SHEAH, RIGHT! AS IF! The teens today think you’re stupid radical, homescotch!

On to the game in Detroit. Tense. Tremendous.


Not altogether pretty, but gritty.

GUTTY. It’s like someone took Wes Welker and made a whole football game out of him!

(Trent) Baalke, in charge of the last two drafts, has every right to light up a fine Dominican cigar today.

After all, at 5-1, the 49ers just won their sixth Super Bowl! Pop the bubbly, gents!

Harbaugh left this message on my voicemail afterward:

“Oh God, you’re not saving this for posterity, are you? Forget I called.”

That’s one of those calls on the busy postgame Sundays I wish I hadn’t missed, obviously.

If I only I hadn’t been on the phone with Bill Parcells, talkin’ Marlins.

Seriously though Peter, you know you can call people back, right?

The 49ers are in the midst of one of the most challenging travel schedules I have seen in 27 years covering the NFL: five trips to the Eastern Time zone in a 61-day span.

OMG! That kind of itinerary would KILL a normal man! It’s like the Trail of Tears, only worse! Are you telling me these fine men have to make five business trips in the span of two months?! My God! Bob Papa is shaking his head! How will you stay grounded if you’re so far up in the air all the time? Won’t you fall into bed with Vera Farmiga and become a man with no home?!

You haven’t heard all that much about the relationship between Steve Young and Aaron Rodgers, and both men probably like it that way. They are not everyday texting or calling friends…

In fact, they’ve never actually met. And yet, the bond between them is unmistakable.

…and I believe Rodgers would have handled the last six years of his landmine-turned-golden life pretty well without Young’s occasional advice…

You haven’t heard all that much about the relationship between Steve Young and Aaron Rodgers, because it’s apparently of no consequence.

…because Rodgers was raised by parents with excellent perspective.

And because he wears a suit under his uniform!

Rodgers doesn’t take questions about his relationship with the man he took over for in 2008, because they basically have no relationship. I figured, why throw ice cubes on the conversation?

Indeed. Why ask Aaron Rodgers a difficult question that might yield an intriguing answer?

If it came up in the conversation, so be it. And it did, sort of.


…back to Young. I gained a lot of respect for him after the Super Bowl 17 seasons ago, when he threw six touchdown passes to crush the Chargers.

And when I brought him that Snickerdoodle, he looked me in the eyes to thank me. Not every QB treats me similarly. LOOKING YOUR WAY, CUTLER.

In the galaxy of Eagle stars, Kurt Coleman is not one

And here’s another PK Butchered Sentence of the Week. As a galaxy of stars, we underrate Kurt Coleman, who is not a galaxy.

“I had a great feel for Rex (Grossman),” said Coleman. “For some reason, after scouting them on tape, I had a great read on him and on their pass concepts…

COLEMAN WATCHING TAPE: Why does he keep chucking the ball downfield into triple covera… OH WAIT! I got it! Because he sucks. Tendency: LEARNED.

“…I just felt like I knew where he was going with the ball all day.”

Kurt, every defender has said that about every Rex Grossman pass ever.

Knock Mike Brown for not trading Carson Palmer, for not building a consistent winner, and for ignoring the bleatings of generations of Bengals who have begged for him to hire a real general manager…

Knock him for killing children on the street, just because he can. Knock him for raping that poor Navajo girl back in ’03. Knock him for conspiring to poison the local reservoirs with sodium flouroacetate. But at 4-2, I think we’d all have to agree that he needs to be forgiven for everything he’s ever done.

Starting around the 20th pick in the first round, there was a drumbeat for (Andy) Dalton. Indianapolis liked him a lot at 22; Seattle loved him at 25, and Buffalo, one pick ahead of Cincinnati at 34th overall, had a quarterback need.

And right then, I could kinda sorta picutre Dalton going somewhere between the 21st and 5,890th pick.

Right behind the Bengals, San Francisco and Arizona both liked Dalton. But Brown stayed where he was and got Dalton.

I love how Peter tries to make it sound like Mike Brown took some kind of brave stand here by not trading up. Way to go, Mike Brown! You stayed a cheap, stubborn asshole and managed to fall ass backwards into Andy Dalton! YOU ARE A LATTER DAY HARRY TRUMAN.

I don’t know who the Giants are…


…but when they rely on the run game and rush the passer the way they did Sunday, they can play with anyone.

I don’t know who the Giants are, except for a team that’s very good at running the ball and rushing the passer. Otherwise, MYSTERIOUS, like the Caves of Motelquitolcabec.

Fred Jackson is, by far, the most under-appreciated running back in football.

BY FAR. Even when he’s being underappreciated, we underappreciate him. And don’t tell me you appreciate him. YOU’RE LYING. You’ve been taking Fred for granted for years now, and I won’t stand for it.

2. San Francisco (5-1). I believe in the hip-world vernacular the right way to talk about the Niners right now is: These guys are no joke.

I’m just saying. PARTY ON.

That was a classy halftime celebration of Al Davis’ life, highlighted by the football person Davis trusted most, John Madden, lighting an eternal flame that will burn at the Oakland home field.

The flame will be used to roast dead babies.

Who can figure out the NFC East?

Giants 4-2
Redskins 3-2
Cowboys 2-3
Eagles 2-4

Well, if this chart is accurate, it appears that the Giants are in FIRST, followed by the Redskins, who are SECOND.

Washington beats the Giants by 14. Giants beat Philadelphia by 13. Philadelphia beats Washington by seven. I am clueless what the order is in this division.

Again, I must refer you to the above standings.

My choice is New York on top, followed closely by the other three. In some order. I guess. Maybe.


13. Philadelphia (2-4). I know it’s ridiculous to put a 2-4 team ahead of those with much better records. But I defy anyone who watched the first half of the game at Washington to say the Eagles aren’t one of the best teams in football.

You mean the half where Mike Vick should have been called for a safety and Vince Young threw a pick because Vick can’t stay healthy? Yeah, I was blown away by their goodness.

Of course, NFL games are two halves long.

WHAT IN THE FUCK? Hey, I know it’s weird to rank a losing team high, but these guys looked AWESOME in exactly one half of football this year. Name me five better teams you’ve seen if the entire season consisted of that one half. You can’t.

14. Dallas (2-3). They’ll play in a bowl game at the end of the year. The Continually Almost Done It Bowl.

PETER’S EDITOR: Peter, can’t you go with something less clumsy, like the Almost Bowl? Or the Close But No Cigar Bowl?

PETER: How can I do that? You don’t actually exist.

PETER’S EDITOR: My God! You’re right! (disappears in puff of thoughtsmoke)

Andy Dalton (15 of 19 in the first half against the Colts) doesn’t know he’s not supposed to be a mid-range (15th-best, 18th-best, somewhere in there)…

Call him somewhere in between the 3rd and 57th best QB in football.

…quarterback in the NFL right now. But he’s playing like he is.

ANDY: Wait, I’m not supposed to be playing like I’m a possible maybe midrange QB in the NFL? Well, that is news to me!

/goes on to fall to 21st to 24th best QB

Baltimore LB Ray Lewis. He is 36. I am convinced he will play this way at 46. The man refuses to admit there is a clock on his career, and maybe there isn’t.

Really? MAYBE? You REALLY think he might be able to play until age 76? Stop it, Peter. You have mayberrhea. You need treatment.

Lived in Jersey for 24 years, and in all those years I never actually walked in the Meadowlands. (Not many people do and live to tell about, I suppose.) Finally did on Saturday, taking my dog Bailey for a 90-minute walk on the roads and paths near the tall reeds and grasses in the area around the stadium there.

Oh please, narrate each step. It’ll be like reading the Niners’ road itinerary.

My wife and I were in the area for a few days while waiting for the closing on our apartment in Manhattan; the timing of this move didn’t exactly work out in a golden way, as you can tell.

Oh no! Poor you! I bet you had to stay at a Westin while the deal went down? Why can’t life be perfect without interruption for Peter?!

Have to say it was a very nice walk.


At one point, Bailey ducked off a path and spent a good two minutes sniffing at one specific spot. I had to cajole her to come out of there.

“Jimmy Hoffa?” I said.

Bailey had no comment. Smart dog. She knows what’s good for her.

O ho ho! No one’s ever made a Jimmy Hoffa joke about the Meadowlands. I’m thunderstruck.

Tweet of the Week II

“Derrick Mason: Rexiled.”

— @NYPost_Serby, columnist Steve Serby of the New York Post

Lightning Pen Serby strikes again! I can’t wait until he weighs in on the Jim Schwartz fight! “I went to a football game and a Harbaughxing match broke out!”

Not Donovan McNabb’s fault. Not at all.

Dude, seriously, do you even WATCH football? Come on. Be honest. No one will be mad. It’ll be liberating, frankly. Just admit you never watch football and then you’ll finally be free to write about baseball and fruity beers for the rest of your days. There’s no need to keep up the facade. Because EVERYTHING is Donovan McNabb’s fault. The fucking Japan tsunami is his fault because he’s just that fucking awful.

Can’t get over another Fassel making his name as an NFL coach.

Yeah, who knew that relatives of coaches also liked to coach? Right Skip Holtz and Dave Shula and both Harbaughs and Brian Schottenheimer and Kyle Shanahan and Terry Bowden and Tommy Bowden and roughly 78% of the entire coaching world?

You go, John Fassel.

Kudos to you, John!

Looks like NFL Network might have good-fortuned its way into a great game in the Nov. 10 debut for Thursday night football: Oakland-San Diego.

In the galaxy of good-fortuned games, Oakland-San Diego is one.

I’m not exactly Joe TV…

True. Joe TV has Nard Dog much lower in his comedy rankings.

…and I definitely learn something when I speak to him about football, but I really don’t like all the screaming Steve Mariucci does.

AMEN, brother. You may be an equivocating pile of good-fortuned idiocy, Peter. But at least you see the light on Mooch.

I think the reason Andy Reid wouldn’t be on the hot seat, yet, is because not only hasn’t his team quit on him yet, but also the players remain doggedly loyal.

True. Not only does he have his team’s loyalty, they’re also loyal. And that’s important when you don’t know to call a goal-line offense.

I think you’ll see an interesting new commercial on the air next Sunday… It’s one of those NFL Play 60 commercials, with players from one team getting on a yellow school bus to the tune of “The Power Is On,” by The Go! Team. (I had to look that up. There’s no way I would know who The Go! Team is — the band is from Brighton, England — as you well can figure.)

“I give Peter a 0.1. He so clearly trying to imitate the unimpeachable novelty of Frank Zappa, but he comes off bereft of angular ideas. I haven’t been this disappointed since Liz Phair started wanting to make money.”

-Pitchfork editor

It’s the Carolina Panthers on the bus with kids, then getting off to exercise with them. There’s Cam Newton, nodding in tune with the song, and Steve Smith, and Ron Rivera, and Jon Beason, and other players … and — spoiler alert now — when the front door of the bus opens up to let everyone out, you see the driver. Jerry Richardson, the Carolina owner.

“All you black players have to sit in back.”

I think Mike Florio and I are getting the hang of nailing each other pretty good on Friday night.

Florio is reporting that Jay Glazer is reporting that handjobs were, indeed, exchanged.

I think I have graduated from the Tony Dungy School of Never Kick to Devin Hester.


Ready for my graduate courses.

Sorry, Peter. You’re still going to have to repeat First Grade in Neverkicktohesterology 101, because you signed your test with a brownie stain.

What a week it was for birthdays: Favre 42, Steve Young, 50, Jerry Rice, 49, Jerry Jones, 69.

Seems like a busy time for birth, doesn’t it?

Imagine a year when Boise State has road trips to play UConn and South Florida.


My reaction to the Bob Hohler’s Boston Globe story on the downfall of the Red Sox: superb story…


— with an asterisk.


If there’s a reason to write about Terry Francona’s use of pain medication, other than to say team sources “expressed concern” that Francona’s job performance “may have been affected” by the use of pain medicine, it needed to be stated in the story. Without any hard and fast examples of him being affected — slurring words, tardiness, aberrant behavior — that’s the kind of kind of thing I would have kept out of the story…

But overall, the story was very good.

Other than the than baseless and somewhat irresponsible claims of addiction, WHAT A FINE PIECE OF JOURNALISM.

So good, in fact, that it drove my brother-in-law (and I assume quite a few others) to say he was finished with paying a dime to the team.

So good, in fact, that it caused melodramatic dipshit Boston fans to react PRECISELY how you’d expect melodramatic dipshit Boston fans to react. FRIED CHICKEN IN THE DUGOUT?! I WILL NEVAH WAWTCH THIS TEAM AGAIN SO LAWNG AS THE PITCHAHS AHHH EATING DAHKIE FOODS!

Hooray for Curt Schilling on WEEI, ripping the players involved…

Way to show no loyalty to other players in order to get attention for yourself, Curt! Love your office decor.

…particularly the three pitchers named (Josh Beckett, John Lackey and Jon Lester) for often staying in the clubhouse when they weren’t pitching to drink beer, play video games and eat fried chicken. (Nice bit of detail there, Bob Hoehler.)

And that part about the painkillers? SUPERB, except the whole “probably not true” thing.

j. Anyway, here’s Schilling on WEEI… “These guys are going to get booed….”

k. Deservedly.


Really happy, by the way, for the Midwestern teams in the baseball playoffs. Tony LaRussa should be a miniseries. Or a reality show.

Or some kind of cleaning product. Really, Tony LaRussa has any number of industrial uses.

Congrats, Jon Daniels.

Why? Tell you in a few paragraphs.

Coffeenerdness: Green Mountain Keurig Cups, I’m getting used to you at Versus on Fridays.

Please note that this man gets paid a princely sum to write this column, and he is now TALKING TO HIS FUCKING COFFEE.

I use the French Roast pods, flush six ounces of boiling water through one, and then another, and have a very nice 12 ounces of bold-roast coffee.

Fantastic. Amazing. And what did you get from the fucking vending machine?

Beernerdness: Had the Flying Fish Exit 4 American Trippel Ale the other night… Hey, how about a really good beer from Jersey? Good job, Flying Fish.

You are truly the John Fassel of malted beverages.

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