Five months ago, ESPN “analyst” Jon Gruden taped a mock film study session with four NFL rookies-to-be, one of which was Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. As Tebow went in the first round of the NFL Draft shortly after his segment with Gruden aired, one could be left to wonder how a reunion between those two men would have played out.
JON GRUDEN: Tim Tebow! You kiddin’ me? You’re a football player, man! I tell you. I like that haircut and that shirt and all those muscles, man! I’m tellin’ you!
TIM TEBOW: I have a will to win, Coach. I just love the game of football. Not only do I love to win, but I also hate to lose. And not only do I love to win and hate to lose, but I have no feeling about ties whatsoever.
JON GRUDEN: You gotta overcome adversity! You gotta get out there and start makin’ your reads and you’re strokin’ that ball into the receiver’s hands and you’re gettin’ under center and you’re just makin’ it hum. Am I right?
TIM TEBOW: I bring passion to the game. I am very passionate. If my love for the game of football was a type of fruit, it would be a passionfruit. I will do anything to help my team win, as long as it doesn’t include converting to a position that might better suit my skills such as tight end or goal-line fullback.
JON GRUDEN: Let’s be honest. Okay? It’s okay to suck another guy’s dick once in a while, okay? I mean, not just any dick. You gotta have the right wang in your mouth, you know what I’m sayin? You gotta do your homework. Study up on that dick. Girthy. Grooming. No cuts. His dick should look just like his father’s.
TIM TEBOW: My faith teaches me that homosexuality is a sin, as is sudoku and men’s figure skating. But if my love for the game of football leads me into another man’s anus, that’s okay, because in ancient Greece I would still be considered straight.
JON GRUDEN: You know what I call you? You’re the JESUS SUPREME VERSATRAC EVEREADY DISCO ARGENTINE NO QUIT NICOTINE PATCH QUILT GOBSTOPPER! That’s what you are, man! Because that’s what you do? It’s time to get stimulated! Great. Spectacular. Coulda swore you were a black guy.
TIM TEBOW: I have been called many things, but if I were to call myself something, it would be “I love the game of football.” And so when people call my name on television, when they announce another touchdown pass from I Love The Game Of Football, the world will know that I love the game of football.
JON GRUDEN: There’s only one way to get respect in this league, and that’s by winning football games. And there’s only one way to win football games, and that’s with talent. And there’s only one way to get talent, and that’s with a rag of ether and a white van with no windows.
TIM TEBOW: I will love the game of football anytime, anyplace, anywhere. I will love it on a boat. I will love it with a goat. I will love it with a spoon. I will love it in Mattoon. I will love it in my socks. I will love it through the Renaissance.
JON GRUDEN: Now Tim, don’t bullshit me, alright? You love me, don’t you?
TIM TEBOW: No sir.
JON GRUDEN: You wanna overcome adversity right into my mouth, dontcha?
TIM TEBOW: No sir.
JON GRUDEN: You wanna get the very best of Gruden, dontcha?
TIM TEBOW: No sir.
JON GRUDEN: Well fuck you then.
TIM TEBOW: God bless.
TONY DUNGY: Rodney, I don’t know about you, but I really liked the direction of this post. It called upon a dynamic of two of the NFL’s great characters, it found its rhythm early, and had plenty of talk about penises. The reference to the Renaissance was nice, too.
RODNEY HARRISON: Tony, I’m sorry, but this is another miss. Isn’t this joke like five months old already. The season starts tomorrow, Tony. Tomorrow. And this is a post about something that happened before the draft? And I don’t understand how Tim Tebow could reject the sexual advances of a Super Bowl champion coach. That can’t happen at this level. So take off the skirt, Tim Tebow, and start sucking your coach’s dick like a man.
TONY DUNGY: Technically, Rodney, Jon Gruden is not Tim’s coach.
RODNEY HARRISON: Shut the fuck up, Tony.