KSK 2012 NFL Prekkake: St. Louis Rams

08.29.12 5 years ago 21 Comments

The 2011 Rams were depressing in the way an abandoned strip mall is depressing. Not really hurting anybody, but not serving much of a function, either. No one questions that it’s sad to look at, but no one really cares enough to try to improve it. Meanwhile. are enough other options out there that locals can avoid it without much thought. Furthermore, both A.J. Feeley and Kellen Clemens started games for the Rams last season, and no one would be surprised if either or both of them were currently squatting inside a closed down dollar store.

Five Fast Facts About The Rams:

– Scott Wells is being lauded for adopting three Ugandan children to go along with the three biological children they are already raising.

– Janoris Jenkins said if Wells wanted three black babies so badly, he could have hooked up inside of a year, no problem.

– Quintin Mikell gets recognized all the time thanks to his Google search profile.

– Actual Bleacher Report article: “Danny Amendola is the Ultimate Fantasy Football Sleeper in 2012”

– Al Bundy’s is still the best case made for NFL relegation.

Notable acquisitions: Cortland Finnegan, Scott Wells, Michael Brockers, Brian Quick, Jo-Lonn Dunbar, Ovie Mughelli

Notable departures: Brandon Lloyd, Chris Chamberlain, Tony Wragge, Cadillac Williams, Josh Brown, Al Harris

Vegas win total over/under: 6 wins

KSK verdict: UNDER

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Steven Jackson

Because this has to be the year that the burden of being this team’s entire offense is to much for his aging body to withstand, right?

Fan forecast, by former Rams beat writer for insideSTL.com, D.J. Gelner:

There are only two kinds of people who care about the Rams: the small, but vocal, die-hard, never miss a play, Kurt Warner-jersey-wearing St. Louis superfans, and the larger, equally passionate, hoping-to-Ginger Hammer that the team comes back to Los Angeles contingent. To those among the L.A. group: be careful what you wish for.

The Rams were able to lure Jeff Fisher to St. Louis with some combination of money, power, promises of countless corn-fed women, and/or briefcases full of drugs. Oh yeah, and because the Dolphins have misplaced their trust in Jeff Ireland’s decision-making ability YET AGAIN.

Not that Fisher is necessarily proven as an “elite” coach, but he’s a huge improvement over the Scott Linehans and Steve Spagnuolos of the world. I look forward to Spags having the opportunity to redeem himself as the Saints’ defensive coordinator this season. If nothing else, those mean ol’ Saints defenders won’t dare to use that nasty “fuck word” any more.

By all accounts, the Rams had a solid draft, but we’re talking about a team that should’ve gone 0-16 last season: the Saints shit the bed while Sean Payton was popping pills in the press box last year…and nursing a knee injury. And the Browns’ long-snapper botched the equivalent of an extra point snap that would’ve put the Browns ahead and forced Sam Bradford to lead a miracle fourth quarter drive, which just wasn’t going to happen.

Speaking of Bradford, he needs to answer a number of questions: can he stay healthy behind a line with more holes than a bank of Skee-Ball games? Is he actually a decent NFL quarterback? That’s an especially touchy question for many Rams fans taught to think of him as the second coming (of Kurt Warner, of course). What the fuck does this commercial even mean? I mean, it could make sense if he was a wideout or running back, but Bradford’s not exactly a track star out there.

Now there’s some chance that he may need ankle surgery after the season, which is a fresh kind of hell for Rams fans. Worst case scenario, Bradford is literally torn limb-from-limb and beaten to death with his own dismembered appendages by the Niners’ defense. Second-to-worst case scenario, Bradford muddles through another ineffective, injury-marred campaign, and actually does need surgery after the season, which would set up one hell of a dilemma for the organization. Would they stick with Bradford despite all of the injuries? Or, if he’s hurt again, would they go with Matt Barkley next season? Only Rams fans (OK… and Browns fans) can count on projecting out which top-five draft pick they’ll take next year before week four.

I feel bad for Steven Jackson. At age twenty-nine, this is almost assuredly his last truly productive season. He’s given his heart and soul to this team, and yet during timeouts he still has to look up at the jumbotron and see shit like this playing:

I can only imagine how infuriating it is.

Not to mention how rough it’s been to be a Rams fan as of late. As if the Ram Rules weren’t embarrassing enough, the team has been 15-65 over the past five years, the Niners are good again, the team is too young to contend for a playoff spot for a couple of seasons, and the owner may or may not pack up the team in the middle of the night and jet off to L.A., $700 million relocation fee be damned.

If they can win six games this year, it’ll be a miracle.

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