Before I get to my notes from last night’s Raiders-Vikes tilt, I’d like to show you this quote from Michael Smith in an ESPN.com article about Sean Taylor:
Redskins outside linebacker Marcus Washington has dubbed Taylor ‘Meast,’ as in, half-man, half-beast.
That’s right. Meast. What a filthy, disgusting word. I know the Skins think it says half-man, half-beast. But what it really says is half-meat, half-moist. And that is just wrong. It sounds like something you’d see in a Tool video. Guhhhhhh. I want Meast added to the KSK lexicon immediately. There should be at least 20 different definitions for it on Urban Dictionary. Let’s try using it in a few sentences:
-“I like Andrew Blake’s movies, but he tends to show an awful lot of meast.”
-“The Manhole has ‘Feast on Meast Night’ every Thursday night! Just bring your $20 cover and a bottle of corn syrup.”
-“Yup, that’s a meast infection.”
-“I thought the smell was coming from my taint, but it turns out the meast was the problem!”
Anyway, let’s go right to my thoughts on last night’s Raiders-Vikings preseason tilt. This was the debut of Tony Kornheiser on Monday Night Football, which is actually just Sunday Night Football, but on Mondays. Sunday Night Football is the new Monday Night Football. And if that confuses you, just remember: the junior varsity broadcast is the one that has Joe Theismann. Let’s go!
-As a Viking fan, I was very excited for tonight’s game. Until I realized that the Vikings are the only team that can give a 9-7 season a real 3-13 sheen. Good thing they’re playing the Raiders!
-I missed the opening of the broadcast, and that’s for the best. ESPN is keeping the Hank Williams song for the opening, except they’ve added an “all-star” band of Little Richard, Joe Perry, Steve Van Zandt, and others to back Hank up. It won’t help. The song is dogshit. I am ready for football. I am not ready for NASCAR. That’s for Southern fuckfaces. So ditch the song already, ESPN.
-ESPN used two sideline reporters for the game, which reminds me of an old Dennis Miller line: “Hey folks, two of SHIT is SHIT. If they really wanted to fuck you, they’d give you three of these things.”
-The new ESPN score box completely fucks me up. It doesn’t just look like the Arkanoid. It is the Arkanoid. When it needs to display down-and-distance, it swallows the E powerup and extends out. I expected the football to split into three at any moment, or for the score box to start firing at shit.
-This is the first game to take place right after the Portis injury, so the Vikings needed to protect their most prominent offensive player: uh… guard Steve Hutchinson. Patriots owner Bob Kraft said giving a $16 million bonus to a guard was “insane.” Pfft. What does he know about building a winning team? Hey Kraft, go make me some spaceship macaroni, you douche.
-There was a black Viking fan in the stands. Just want it noted. And no, it wasn’t Morris Day.
-The first quarter rolled by, and Tony Kornheiser said a grand total of about four words. But we got a glimpse of Tony’s potential later on. Tony mentioned that Raiders’ o-coordinator Tom Walsh had been out of football running a bed and breakfast (I assume Walsh provides a lovely basket of fresh muffins and danishes at all team meetings). Joe Theismann then, for no reason, stated that Walsh will be more prepared to return to football than Joe Gibbs was. Tony spent the next ten minutes needling Theismann over it, with Theismann (being Theismann) sticking to his opinion for dear life despite its obvious stupidity. We need at least two exchanges like this per quarter to make this whole experiment work.
-Theismann: “I just love Randy Moss on my football team.” Uh, okay.
-New Vikings coach Brad Childress is too thin. He looked like the test administrator played by Frank Oz in “Spies Like Us.” Aaaaghhh, the pressure!!!!!!
-Good to see Michele Tafoya stealing from Hilary Clinton’s wardrobe.
-Dan Marino showed up in an ad for Nutrisystem. Hey, fatties, if a multimillionaire world-class athlete can lose weight, so can you!
-The Vikings traded two third-round picks to move up to draft QB Tarvaris Jackson. Jackson’s first action was last night. He was poised, quick, and made good decisions. I’m totally gay for him.
-Since I work in advertising, I’ll give you the expert opinion that the Jaguar XK ads are totally spankworthy.
-The Vikes debuted their new unis this game, which looked like something out of the World League of American Football. I can’t wait to see them play the Orlando Thunder next week. The World League was headed up by former Vikes GM Mike Lynn, who also engineered the Herschel Walker trade. Quite a resume.
-Suzy Kolber to Aaron Brooks: “What have you been most proud about in your career?” I imagine it was the time Brooks went 12-23 for 184 yards and 3 INT’s after downing an entire bottle of Hypnotiq. Seriously, are you fucking kidding me with that question?
-Another Kolber gem to Brooks: “What’s it like to get used to Randy Moss’ ad-lib style of play?” Oh, I’m sure he loves it when his wideout walks five yards and then sits down on the weak side of the play.
-The biggest play of the game? A 67-yard bomb from Andrew Walter to Morant (No idea on the first name. Tim?). Get used to one good play per game, Raider fans. After that, it’s nothing but hideous crowd shots of people like yourself.
-More Kolber. She interviewed 500-lb. lineman and inevitable “Best Damn Sports Show” co-host Warren Sapp. She asked him how being injured last year made him better. That question made my meast itch.
-I made it to halftime of this game, just in time to watch the “Fastest 3 Minutes in Football” segment. Do the people at ESPN know that halftime is 15 minutes long? Take your fucking time. Jesus.
Those are the game notes. I thought the ESPN crew was fairly decent. Tirico was bland, Theismann was mildly improved without Paul MaGuire there to dumb him down even further, and Kornheiser showed promise. The Vikings looked good passing, mediocre running, and great on defense. And the Raiders looked God-awful. But that’s the beauty of preseason. Wait until the Raiders un-gel. Then they’ll really suck.
UPDATE: The Vikings appear to have lost first-round pick Chad Greenway for the year last night. Fuck. I mean, really. Fuck.