She’s Got The Look: the KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag

03.14.13 5 years ago 101 Comments

Everyone’s all nostalgic about the ’90s but no one ever talks about Roxette. F that. Roxette was great. Let’s talk about Roxette. Get on it, BuzzFeed.

In this week’s mailbag: people be all in serious relationships. Sorry.

Dear Casual Cardigan Wearer:
Sex itself is fine. In fact, my girlfriend and I are getting a place together when our leases are up this summer. I’m really excited about it, and can’t wait to get started on the next chapter of my life with her. We’re on the same page in terms of what we want in an apartment, along with location and price. And we both make roughly the same salary so there’s no awkwardness there. However, I am aware there will be some heated discussions about dumb things that annoy the other person, like not closing the cap on the dish soap or failing to push the chair in when getting up from the table.

Or squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube. It says RIGHT THERE ON THE TUBE “for best results, squeeze from the bottom” WHY DON’T YOU WANT THE BEST RESULTS????

I’ve been proactive and let my girlfriend know of a few traits that will drive me up the wall. She’s been great about working on these traits. However, she hasn’t shared anything that I do with me and prefers to ‘deal with it.’ How can I gently pry out a few of my faults without it turning into a tit-for-tat situation?

The OCD/Overly clean roommate

I don’t think you need to worry about it just yet. Sure, it would be nice to know what bothers her BEFORE you move in together, but her pet peeves may not kick in until you actually inhabit the same space. Maybe she’s never noticed that she’s OCD about where the remote control gets placed because you always operate the remote at your place and she always has it at hers. That’s the sort of thing that wouldn’t come to light until you moved in together.

Of course, I say this as a lazy slob who married a very organized and tidy person. I don’t have many pet peeves because I only have standards of cleanliness in the bathroom and kitchen. As a result, my wife — like you with your girlfriend — does a lot more gentle nudging about irritating behavior and where things belong. The key is to be mature and communicative enough with your partner to politely explain what bothers you instead of blowing up or being passive-aggressive about it. And the flip side is that the offending party has to accept that criticism without getting bitchy and then make an honest effort to improve on the weakness.

It’s super fucking hard, by the way.


Dear KSK,
Fantasy Football. Twelve team keeper league with a great group of guys (the way you like your leagues), would you keep Quizz (on your face), Colston, or Vernon Davis? The other keeper spot is spoken for with Drew Brees.

I’d probably keep Vernon Davis. Jacquizz Rodgers might be the choice for others, but as someone who owned both Rodgers and Michael Turner last year (shocker: I didn’t win that league), I found Quizz to be inconsistent, and I have doubts about his ability to handle the load of a first-string back. The draft and training camp will clear this  picture up a bit, but for now I’m skeptical.

(UPDATE SINCE I WROTE THE ANSWER ABOVE: The Falcons have signed Steven Jackson. There you go.)

Anyway, I’d go with Davis because he’s more of a known commodity — inconsistent, yes, but often explosive, which is more than you get from most of the league’s tight ends. I’m also lousy at drafting that position, so it would be nice to enter my draft without having to worry about it. (FWIW, I like Colston but Brees spreads the ball around so much that the only reliable fantasy performers are Jimmy Graham and Brees — and maybe Darren Sproles if your league is PPR.)

Life. I’m 26, graduated from a great college with a useful degree, I’ve got an amazing job with a low level of stress and more benefits than I know what to do with, and best of all, I’ve been with a wonderful girl for over three years, and we’ve lived together for nearly two. We both see ourselves spending the future together. My question to you is this; how the fuck do you afford a wedding ring when you have student loans, rent, a car payment (I don’t live in New York, unlike most of you internet writers)? I’ve been quietly building up an emergency fund, so do I just break off a chunk of that when the fund gets respectable (let’s say, mid-high four figure range)? Also, how much did you spend on the ring? If this gets posted I’ll be curious to see what the commenters say they spent on the ring.
– Leave Austin Alone, Most locals hate SXSW

I’m not going to say how much I spent on  my wife’s ring — I assume you mean engagement ring, as wedding rings are a great deal less expensive — because I don’t want to be viewed as excessive or poor or cheap by readers of various income brackets. But I’ll tell you this: I used that “two months salary” thing as a loose guide — not because it made sense for me, but because that’s what I could conceivably pay to buy my now-wife a ring that her friends wouldn’t scoff at behind her back. DAMN YOU, JUDGMENTAL FEMALE FRIENDS.

In fact, “two months salary” is a bullshit marketing ploy pushed by jewelers and diamond companies to sell rings to a populace that had no social history of gaudy engagement rings. DeBeers came up with the “A diamond is forever” campaign in the late 1940s to take advantage of the economic boom and help relieve veterans of their savings as they returned from war and headed to the altar. Engagement rings, like the name Madison for a girl, started out as an upper-class status symbol before filtering down to the rest of American society. Now it’s just kind of expected of a prospective groom, unless you’re marrying someone socially conscious enough to care about African mining practices, or your grandma died and left one to you.

So what’s an economically challenged dude to do? Well, talk to your girlfriend about it. Whatever romance you might get from a surprise proposal is far exceeded by talking to her about what kind of ring she would like — and a realistic discussion of what you can spend. If you choose the path of fiscal responsibility, you’ll elope and maybe buy her a nice ring ten or 15 years down the line. If you’re like most of America, you’ll scrounge and buy a diamond on credit and then spend too much money on a wedding and struggle to feed and house and provide for your family for the rest of your life haha WHEEE thanks advertising-driven consumer society.


Dear KSK,
What’s the most effective delay technique you’ve used? Baseball stats, spiders etc? A good one is thinking about Tony Dungy trying to parallel park a topless jeep but its only like his 2nd time driving a stick shift and its not smooth.

-PFT Commenter

That sounds like an excellent way to put off an orgasm. As a skilled and generous lover, I rarely need to employ such techniques, but I recommend a physical technique to go with whatever mental one works well for you. As you get close to orgasm, your balls get sucked in all close to your shaft in order to shorten the path up the vas deferens. Pulling down on your scrotum a little will buy you some time before popping.


Dear KSK,
Fantasy: Keep Megatron for 2nd round pick or RGIII for 7th round. I love my team and hate to part with either but I have to go Megatron right?

Oof, that is a brutal choice, but… I would keep Megatron. And I totally recognize that RG3 for a seventh-rounder is an unbelievable value and he’s a unique snowflake and he makes so few mistakes and the extra running yards blah blah blah. But when it comes down to it, Calvin Johnson will catch a fuckload of passes for a ton of yards basically every week and you’ll be thankful you have him. If you keep RG3, you’ll watch Redskins games half in awe, and half in terror as you fear that every hit will snap his delicate legs in two. You’ll be miserable EVEN IF he stays healthy, which is not something I’d really want to gamble on.

Sex: My fiancee has gained a bit of weight. I dont particularly mind it (I like them thick) but she has probably gained about 80 pounds-ish since we’ve planned to get married and moved in together (8 months ago).

Whoa whoa whoa. Ten or 15 or even 20 pounds is “a bit of weight.” Eighty pounds is a sixth grader.


Wait, eight months… is she pregnant?

She has serious body issues and goes to therapy for it but it’s not working that well.. She recently found out I watch porn (surprise!) and made her even more body conscious. To be honest though, she is kind of sexually unattractive to me, which is awful to say. I fear it will just get worse but I really dont want it to. What do i do?
-Cylon McBorg

First of all: wow. Most brides want to lose weight before their weddings, so to gain 80 (!) pounds in eight months suggests both an unhealthy diet and poor impulse control. And I’m not saying that as a judgmental skinny asshole: if I were in your shoes, I would be genuinely concerned about my fiancée’s health — both mental and physical.

You have two things going on here. First, and more pressing, is to address the elephant in the room — IT’S JUST A METAPHOR, JEEZ! But seriously, you should make some changes to your household’s diet and exercise regime. And yes: I mean you as well, because if the weight gain started when she moved in with you, then you’re part of the problem. I would be very surprised if you were eating salads and grilled chicken wraps while she’s ordering pizza for herself. So talk to her about making healthier and smarter dietary choices for the household. Earlier dinners, smaller portions, more leafy greens — all that shit that’s in almost every magazine every month. Talk to your doctor and/or a dietician for professional health advice. Do not get it from a blogger.

Oh, and your body doesn’t magically get sexier with age and kids. Take care of this stuff now. Life with diabetes is a lot less fun (and tends to be shorter, too).

Second, and largely separate, is the porn. You watched it before she gained the weight, and you’ll keep watching it if she loses it. I readily understand that it’s shitty for women that men watch porn, but this is our reality. The global ice caps are melting, too, but not because of your fiancée’s body issues. Think of porn like booze or gambling: it’s okay in moderation, but it’s also addictive and detrimental to your life if it gets out of control. As long as you’re not choosing porn OVER sex with your woman, I’d say it’s not a problem.

I don’t know how you change a woman’s perception of it, though. You’re already beyond my usual realm of sensibility, my advice is generally “don’t get engaged to an adult who’d be surprised that a male human watches porn.”


Uffsies…er uh….Sex Pope,
Fantasy: I have been in numerous leagues throughout the years. Normally 3-4 a season. In my biggest league, I won the 2011 season and finished last in 2012. First to worst, however, I still say “I won my fantasy league” and leave off the year. I digress. I have always stayed clear of drafting players from my favorite team (Redskins) and my most hated team (Cowboys). As a Skins fan living in Dallas, its easy not to pick any of the spares from the Cowboys, but has bitten me in the ass in the past along with passing on some Redskins players. Is this something I need to just get over and do what is right by the book and not by the heart?

There’s room for fan bias in fantasy football — it’s what separates us from gambling addicts. I, for one, try to avoid the hated Steelers as well as my beloved Seahawks, but it helps to be sensible about it. Recognizing your own bias is the best way to draft around it. For example, I would never in a million years have Ben Roethlisberger on my fantasy team, so to avoid that disaster I aim for a premier quarterback early (actually, avoiding Ben is a pleasant side effect of that strategy, but still). I avoided Marshawn Lynch when I could last year, but I also picked him up in one of my four leagues after he fell way below his expected spot. I believed Mike Wallace would have an All-Pro season in 2012, so I put the bias aside to target him in a couple leagues (side note: whoops). The point is to use your bias to your advantage so other people don’t use it to theirs.

Sex: Over the past 12 years or so I have had bad relationship after bad relationship letting them drag on for far longer than they ever should for one reason or another. Most recently one that ended a year ago after being with a cheater and a liar got old. I know it’s my fault. I’m not asking you to judge me dammit, just advice. Anyone I have dated has been some sort of a mess. Financially, family issues, just a plain disaster. Whatever. I have fed off of that for one reason or another and it is what kept me going. Being the rock for someone else.

You’re not alone in that regard. Why do you think I have the experience to write this column now?

Skip to present day. I am with someone now that is absolutely amazing. We have known each other for 7 years or so and never dated until recently. She is my best friend, love to hang out with, hot and put together. There are two issues that I cannot get over. She is put together. Likes to cook dinner and goes along with whatever I want to do. I’m not used to that and it makes me feel guilty being the person in the relationship that gives 50% instead of 90%.

My sister gave a nice speech at my wedding. She pointed out that my wife was the first girlfriend I ever had who put as much work as I did into the relationship, and I was all, “Holy shit that’s right!” Fifty-fifty in this case doesn’t mean you’re only giving 50% effort. It means you’re each giving the same amount of effort. This is how partnerships are SUPPOSED to work. I understand that this may be a new feeling, but it should be a pleasant one. If it doesn’t feel like a breath of fresh air, get your ass to therapy.

The other is sex. It’s often, but not great. Like a silent film. Same routine. Just not the “rip clothes off and let’s make each other scream” sex like I have had in the past. More “let’s brush our teeth first and make sure the phones are plugged in before tucking under the covers and getting physical” sex. Does it have anything to do with us knowing each other for so long as friends and not taking those physical chances?
– Meatspinfully yours,

Serious question: what do you expect sex to be like for the rest of your life? Does it need to drug-fueled or in a car or with a sexy stranger? If so, then monogamy isn’t for you. If you’re looking to get married and have kids, well, sex isn’t always going to set your hair on fire.

Don’t take this the wrong way — I’m not like, “get married so you can have boring sex!” because (a) I like to believe I have a relatively active and satisfying sex life, and (b) everyone in a trusting, 50-50 relationship like yours should be comfortable with asking their partner to try something new (or at least different) to keep the metaphorical fire burning.

A good time to talk about sex, by the way, is right after having it. While your endorphins are pumping, you can ask her what turns her on, what her fantasies are, if there’s anything you want her to do, etc. You will be perceived as a Sensitive Caring Male, and — assuming your girl doesn’t have Asperger’s and picks up on social cues — she’ll ask the same questions of you. And then you can be like, “can i put it your butt or what.”

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