How Dumb Are These Criminals?

Entertainment Editor

Even dumber than this.

Vitaly Borker, the owner of designer eyewear website DecorMyEyes, has been arrested for fraud and for making threats.  He noticed that Google’s PageRank system would bump a page higher in search results regardless of what people were saying about a site. Since it’s easier to give poor service, pocket people’s money, and then curse them out, Borker allegedly did exactly that.  He’s been charged with selling broken and counterfeit eyewear and with making death threats and rape threats towards customers who disputed credit card charges. He allegedly went so far as to send one woman a photograph of the front of her building after making threats.  All of this led to numerous online discussions of the website and its owner, positioning the site high in search results for luxury eyewear.  In response to the case, Google has changed their search algorithm to screen out complaints instead of allowing them to bump up a website’s visibility.

In other brilliant business planning news, two teenagers in Minnesota have been arrested for stealing seventeen calves from various farms in three counties.  Their clever plot was to start a dairy farm with the calves.  Because, really, all you need to start a dairy farm is a van full of calves and maybe a backyard kiddie pool to fill with all that valuable milk. White gold. Kansas tea.  Shockingly, the teenagers were turned in by an anonymous witness. All seventeen calves have been rescued and returned safely to their owners, thankfully, so you’ll have a chance to meet them personally in a hamburger soon enough.

Another alleged criminal who was easily caught was Christopher Allnut of Southampton, England.  He walked into a Barclay’s Bank location in Winchester and told the teller, “Good morning, I’m here to rob you today. Give me £5,000 and I will f*** off.”  He made off with £1,600 (US $2,528) and began walking towards a pub 40 yards (120 feet) away, dropping £350 (US $553) along the sidewalk.  I promise that last sentence wasn’t the start of a story problem in math.  Upon entering the pub, Allnut — who has a history of mental illness (surprise!) — threw the remaining money in the air and said, “I’ve robbed a bank. The drinks are on me!”  Only £600 (US $948) was recovered; the rest was picked up by bar patrons. Allnut is now being all nutty in a mental hospital. And is now in our list of personal heroes.


  • Online retailer allegedly threatened to rape and kill complaining customers to get them to complain online more and raise his Google PageRank. (CBS)
  • Minnesota teenagers steal calves to start a dairy farm. That’s some Scarface kind of stuff right there. (TwinCities)
  • Bank robber buys everyone a drink. (Arbroath)
  • Banner picture via PleatedJeans.



  • “2600: The Hacker Quarterly” condemns the DoS attacks surrounding WikiLeaks. (2600, totally real picture via Geekosystem)
  • Also, here’s an amazing bombshell of a wikileak. Oh, just click it. (via BoingBoing)
  • A teenager stole a dump trunk and crashed it into several police cars.  Video?  Oh you know there’s video. (Ohio)
  • An arsonist was caught when his accomplice accidently set him on fire and he panicked, running into a pole.  The fire went out before he was burned, but he still had a pole-induced head injury and was arrested when he went to the hospital. (Telegraph, with video)



  • Not that this has anything whatsoever to do with people who get arrested while doing stupid things, but here’s an infographic on the brief but glorious history of the Juggalo. (Westword)
  • Turning our gaze to another type of dumb criminal, here’s an infographic on how the banks sold themselves CDOs. (CoventryLeague)
  • And just to end things on an optimistic note, here’s a graph showing the drop in violent crimes since 1990.  We should all thank Charles Bronson. (Vizworld)


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