Nun’s New Hymn: “Been Caught Stealing”

12.14.10 8 years ago

What do an Israeli soldier and a New York nun have in common?  Stealing!  Yes, we’ve got two people who really shouldn’t be stealing that are stealing from people you really shouldn’t steal from. 

First up, Sister Marie Thornton, whom we promise to make absolutely zero bad wordplay jokes.  None whatsoever.

Sister Marie apparently managed to spend about $850,000 of Iona College’s money far more awesomely than the college would: on gambling trips to Atlantic City.  Yeah, we know, that’s not really an approved activity for the money of the Catholic Church, but Iona is a college, there’s some partying going on anyway, and who safer to party with than a nun?  Unfortunately, being a nun instead of an experienced criminal, she simply submitted her expenses as cost invoices, which made figuring out which were less than Lordly pretty easy once the long arm of the law caught up with her.

What’s particularly surprising is that Sister Marie managed to get away with ripping off the college for the short span of time of…ten years.  And she wasn’t caught until 2009, when the college was finally forced to report a theft, but didn’t mention who it was or why they did it.  Only now, apparently, has the time come for the story to be leaked.  We’re assuming it’s because the story of a nun blowing nearly a million bucks on slots is just too juicy to turn down.  After all, these things are important.  Before we leave, we just want to offer a statement offered up by her lawyer, and he seriously said this, in public, in front of a microphone:

“I expect us to reach a resolution that all sides will think is fair.”

We ran that through the “lawyer” function in Google Translate and it spat out:

“They’re throwing her into jail so hard she’ll leave a dent in the wall.  Eh, whatever, I got paid up front.  They won’t know it’s the embezzled money, right?”

How do you get dumber than stealing from the Catholic Church?  Stealing from one of the highest members of the Israeli Defense Forces, namely Lieutenant General Gabi Ashkenazi.  And we think stealing his gun is particularly stupid.  Gee, you think the hardened professional solider might notice that his sidearm is missing?  We’re not sure, but that might be more suspicious.

The future stockade resident in question is Lewis Maskota, who did three really stupid things: first, stealing the aforementioned gun.  Second, stealing the credit card numbers of a highly placed Israeli armed forces official.  Third, selling both to criminals, including weapons dealers, who used them to make purchases.  Why’d he do it?  He’s claiming that he was in major debt, because apparently Israel offers no “not guilty by reason of excessive idiocy” plea.

Apparently, among his punishments is that he’s being demoted from colonel to private.  Honestly, guys, you sent him to jail for ten years.  I think it’s safe to just throw him right out of the army.

Unless you’re planning on using him for target practice…


  • “Nuns on the Run” was an awesome movie, Sister Marie. Not a documentary or a moral guide to life. (CBS News)
  • Israeli soldiers decides to commit career, and quite possibly personal, suicide (Reuters)



  • Speaking of money, and how it’s a gas, the luckiest man in the world accidentally dumped about $6000 of Taiwanese cash into an industrial shredder. Sadly, this was not for SSI Shredding’s brilliant series of shredding videos, but an honest accident. Lucky for him, Taiwan has Liu Hui-fen, the “jigsaw expert”, a master at assembling things taken apart by various means (think Bones, but Taiwanese, real, and using manners instead of faking Asperger’s to be a douche to people). She spent seven days assembling the 200 bills. All she’d say about it was that it was “difficult”. Methinks that a bit of an understatement (Yahoo!)
  • Also, South Korea held its annual “Let’s Pass the Budget Amid Fistfights” festival. Broken noses and a passed budget were had, grumpily, by pretty much everybody. (Daily Times)
  • Yes, that’s a real shoe.



  • There are 59,000 nuns in the United States. We mention this because it lets us feature a story discussing the stat, called “Vatican Probe of U.S. Nuns Moving Forward.” Heh heh heh m heh heh! (Women’s News, which should know better)
  • How much does workplace theft cost the fine businesses of America? About $600 billion. Yeah, we question how much of that is actual theft, and how much of that is you robbing the company of productive labor by taking a leak. (Glowan Consulting Group)


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